Great News

Well, looks like I survived another holiday. Whoever decided to put all these holidays at the same time of year has a sadistic sense of humour. I managed to avoid all the movies and carols. It’s just another day of the year as far as I’m concerned.

Just got back from the doctor’s with some good news, apparently my new cocktail is working because my t-cell count went up. Before Mess says anything, I don’t mean that kind of cocktail, although I could always use a good Hush Puppy. While it’s not much to some of us, my t-cell count is now 150. I’m also still undetectable.

Also great news is everything else is okay, my liver, blood pressure, I even lost some weight. Guess I can pat myself on the back. I’m obviously doing something right. An overall great doctor’s visit except I forgot to get my H1N1 flu shot but I can always get that another day.

Catching Up

Lately each day has been the same, there is no difference between Sunday and Wednesday. I did have my blood drawn one day and I saw my analyst another day. I really didn’t have much to talk about since I’ve been avoiding the holidays plus the fact that I’m sitting on some potential great news and I’ll blog that when it happens.

Hush Puppy rented a car over the weekend to do some last minute shopping. Since he got t-boned in June he’s been on the bus as well. He came by and picked me up Saturday for dinner. We went to Chopstix for the Chinese buffet. Then we went to his place where we each had a Hush Puppy. It was a nice break in my routine and I got to visit with my cherished friend.

Against my better judgment, I went to Sunday group. Ringo went out of his way and ordered food from Luby’s and I didn’t want to disappoint him. Everything was okay but they decided to have a gift exchange and that threw me off. Chiflado is not one for gifts, especially when they are forced on him.

I did renew my lease yesterday and my rent went up $10 which is okay considering the location and the fact that all utilities are paid. And here we are, days away from one of the dreaded days of the year.

Hopefully the new year will be better for Chiflado.

Nothing going on

Sorry I haven’t blogged anything lately. There’s just nothing going on. My life is on auto pilot and everything else is on auto also.

I did go see my analyst Wednesday, but I’ve been in such a good mood it was almost a waste of time. Still talking about my sister’s death. Alright, it’s 22 years, let it go, I know. Easier said than done.

Just spoke to Mess and he’s the one that told me I haven’t updated my blog. Guess no news is good news. Hush Puppy invited us to dinner tomorrow night, but Mess has plans with his sister. I’ll see him Sunday at group.

I’ve been lucky in avoiding the holiday farce. I have received some cards but who cares? Just another day I say to myself. And it’s that attitude that’s been helping me out. The dreaded day is a week away it just sneaks up on one, and then it’s a whole new year, another year of auto pilot.

Beating the Blues

Doncha just hate this time of year? It’s a depressing time of year to begin with and then Hallmark throws in all these special days. I wonder if they have an Our Lady of Guadalupe card?

And the weather certainly hasn’t helped much. Okay it’s not as bad as Michigan and I don’t have to shovel snow, but it’s been steadily cooler than average. Today is a dreary day so far and I got my errands out of the way early. Like I have such a busy schedule.

For some reason, I have been winning the battle against the blues. Luckily I haven’t heard a single carol as of yet, the closest I’ve gotten is Greensleeves or The Dance of the Flowers on my Parisian jazz station.

I refuse to focus on the holidays and I guess I’m on a good combination of drugs that’s keeping the beast at bay. It’s just another day I keep telling myself.

The Alameda

Date: Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Time: 7:00 - 9:00 P.M.
Location: the Museo Alameda
Proyectos Gallery
101 S. Santa Rosa, San Antonio TX 78215

Alex Sanchez

I just finished reading the latest Alex Sanchez novel, Bait. Alex Sanchez is a gay author out of Mexico who’s written books for young adults based on gay themes. He has even won a Lambda Award for one of his books.

I did enjoy the Rainbow Boys trilogy and recommend them but they do have to be read in order. He’s also written books about coming out and being gay and Christian and some of his books contain gay resources for teens.

For more info: http://www.alexsanchez.com/

Tortilla Soup

Thursday was a busy day for me. I went to the pharmacy and the library. I had to pick up the next Percy Jackson book for Purple 13, I got her hooked on the series. They’re really a fun read and the movie comes out in February, we saw the trailer when we went last week to see New Moon.

I was gonna take her the book, she works walking distance from me, but she suggested lunch and I’m not one to turn down a free meal. She was in the mood for tortilla soup and Blanco Café has one of the best in town. She also had cawfee and I had to smell her cup.

I had the green enchiladas and she said I’m so predictable. Hey everything at Blanco is great and I happen to like green eggs and ham and I would eat them in a box and I would eat them with a fox…

Mental Health Day

I don’t think this has ever happened to me. I had appointments with my psychiatrist and my analyst today.

Still talking about depression and suicide. Also brought up my sister’s death that I cannot let go of. I don’t know what she would think of my mourning. She was so vivacious and full of life and I remember laughing a lot with her. So I honour her by laughing is one thing I got out of today.

The other thing is quite the Mexican thing, I have a votive candle lit every day in her memory. And it’s the same kind of candle she used to light in her home. Of course I go to the cemetery periodically to visit and talk and clear my head.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, my zipper broke on my jacket so I’m gonna have to get a new one. If it’s not one thing it’s another.

Sunday Outing

Sunday’s usually one of my library days so I went to pick up what I had on hold. A new movie, two foreign films, and a rom-com with Ewan McGregor I know I’m gonna have to like.

Hush Puppy rang me up and invited me to dinner. He had just come back from the holidays with the folks. Of course I can never refuse Hush Puppy and he picked me up and we went to a Chinese restaurant in the Medical Centre.

The food was great as was the company. We laughed and talked about things and not once did we talk of AIDS. It’s just nice to avoid the subject once in a while.

I’m a simple man. It was nice to break my routine for one day. I highly recommend it, but find your own Hush Puppy.

Just Another Day

Boy I got lucky today. Chiflado has not been one for holidays from way back. Too stressful all around. But I can say this was one of my favourite holidays to date.

Purple 13 and I went to go see New Moon. She hadn’t seen it and I’m one to see shirtless hotties again and I’ll probably see it again sometime soon. Of course she liked the cliff hanger ending and we have to wait until 30 June to see the next installment.

We had planned on lunching at La Margarita but it was closed. So we went to the granddaddy of Mexican restaurants in town, Mi Tierra’s, http://www.mitierracafe.com/ it’s owned by the same family and the menu is just about the same. She had flautas and I had chicken mole enchiladas and they were swimming in mole sauce. Chiflado loves mole and can make a mean batch to boot.

That was my stress-free day. I hope everybody had a great day today. And you know, you don’t need a day to be thankful, I’m thankful all the time and I thank people I know by saying three simple words, I love you. And if you’re extra lucky you get a hug out of me.

Angst

So I woke up today full of energy and euphoria because of a great film and play. I finally went to the store this morning and had a wonderful lunch.

Mess rang me up and asked if I was going to our support group today, I’ve been avoiding it for the past few weeks because of my depression. I told him I didn’t know yet. I hadn’t planned on going, I just haven’t felt part of the group for some time now.

So I took a nap and was awakened by Hush Puppy leaving a message on my machine to go to group. We hadn’t seen each other in almost a month and since he was making chicken pot pie, I kinda felt obligated to go.

So I’m walking to the bus stop when I see the bank sign flashing today’s date, November 22, 2009. Sure it’s another day, but it’s also the day my sister died and the flood of memories surged to haunt me and bring me down. I should have walked home after that. But something made me go anyway.

The group’s dynamics have changed a lot and I just wanted to leave. Hush Puppy asked how I was doing and I told him I wanted to go home and looked at the clock and said its closer to leaving though. Time just dragged very slowly for me.

I had told Hush Puppy I was gonna quit the group for a few months anyway. It’s not like I’m an essential part of the group. I’m not getting the support out of it also, so why bother?

Hey sometimes I have to be selfish and take care of Chiflado. So I’m gonna lay low again for a few more weeks or months.

New Moon

B rang me up and asked if I wanted to see New Moon with her, her husband is not into such films. Hell yeah I’ll go. She bought the tickets Thursday so we’d avoid lines on Friday. We know how to plan ahead.

The movie is phenomenal, it followed the book closely. Edward decides to leave Forks because he thinks he’s a danger to Bella. Bella soon finds out that she can see and hear Edward when she’s getting an adrenaline rush.

Her friendship with Jacob evolves as they fix a pair of motorcycles. He’s her best friend but he has a crush on her. She sees Edward from time to time when she does all these stupid things.

We soon find out that Jacob has become a werewolf and has hooked up with the rest of the guys that are werewolves. Their job is to kill vampires but Jacob’s main concern is to protect her from the rogue vampires Laurent and Victoria. They manage to kill Laurent but Victoria escapes.

Bella goes to the cliffs where the wolf pack dive for fun and she jumps and sees Edward. Jacob rescues her and takes her home where Alice, Edward’s sister is waiting. She had seen Bella jumping and came to check up on her.

The phone rings and Jacob says Bella’s father’s gone to a funeral. It was Edward calling to check up on Bella and he assumes the worst. He flies of to Italy in search of the Volturi, a coven of vampires that oversee the vampire world. He wants them to kill him because he cannot go on without Bella.

They turn down his request because of his powers and ask him to join them. He decides to make a scene forcing them to kill him. At the same time Alice and Bella are on their way to stop him.

I highly enjoyed the film but I felt there was something lacking from the first one. I think they chose the wrong director, Chris Weitz who directed American Pie. Gone was the rainy Forks that added so much atmosphere to Twilight, instead we are given a sunny and bright Forks.

I still highly recommend this just because I so loved the books and it does leave you with a cliff hanger.

Las Nuevas Tamaleras

I took Mess to see a local production of Las Nuevas Tamaleras, a funny play about three modern Latinas trying to make tamales. Of course they’re clueless about the whole procedure.

So one of them lights a votive candle for assistance. They get help via the spirits of two older Latinas who give us the voice of reason and experience. Together they manage to make some tamales.

Very worth seeing and will be showing at the Guadalupe Cultural Arts Centre in November and December. http://tamaleras.com/

Out and About

I haven’t written anything lately because there’s nothing new to blog. No doctor’s appointments, no emergencies, nada. I’m still in a solitary mood. Still depressed, it’s just that time of year.

B rang me up and asked for my chauffeur’s expertise today. I should mention I do not have a car so she picks me up and I jump in the driver’s seat and we’re off. We ran some errands and she treated me to lunch.

Next to the Alameda Theatre is the Alameda Restaurant, a nice little hole in the wall open only during the week. She likes to go for the puffy tacos which are good. I played it safe and had a carne guisada burrito and it was delectable.

That’s it folks. I’ve been napping a lot probably due to the depression, but it does leave me refreshed.

Garbo's Day Out

Garbo actually left his apartment today. Thursday’s is my usual pharmacy day and then I stopped at the library to pick up a book that I hope will interest me.

Then it was off to La Margarita for a Centro luncheon. The topic was AIDS in older folks. Oy. And I actually fell into the category, it was age 50 and up. A lot of the information is redundant, I didn’t learn anything new. Lunch was great and quite filling. I decided not to have dinner I was so full. But I have to take my meds with food so I heated up a biscuit.

I also rang up Purple 13 to see if she was at work. She’d been out sick a couple of days. I got her hooked on the Percy Jackson novels I blogged about and being the nice person that I am, I checked it out and delivered it in person. What a friend! And quite modest I must admit.

I was back home by 1 p.m. and took a nap after my exciting day out.

La Margarita

After the Museo, we were hungry for Mexican of course. We went around the corner to La Margarita http://www.lamargarita.com/ and the weather was so nice we sat outside and watched tourists going by.

Mess had the Acapulco Enchiladas which were 2 Enchiladas filled with Sauteed shrimp, crab & fish, topped with a delicate Marisco sauce, shrimp, scallops and Monterrey Jack cheese, Acapulco white rice, frijoles a la charra, salad and bolillos

I had mole enchiladas which are chicken enchiladas topped with Mexican cheese and mole sauce, rice and beans, and guacamole in a taco shell. And Chiflado will say that the mole was scrumptious.

We sat and talked and visited like we hadn’t seen each other in years. Hey, Mess got Garbo out of the house so you gotta give him credit. It was better than having tuna fish or ramen noodles!

Museo Alameda

Mess and I have been planning this for a while and it fell into place today. We went to the Museo Alameda http://www.thealameda.org/. I found out that Tuesdays is free admission and there was an exhibit on local artist Jesse Trevino we wanted to see.

The exhibit was great, there were some paintings I recognized immediately, but there were some I had never seen before which interested me a little bit more. Hanging there was the painting of the Alameda Theatre I blogged about earlier.

The other exhibit was photographs of Frida Kahlo that I found a bit disappointing. There was also some of her correspondence as well.

But do go especially for the Trevino exhibit.

Still Blue

It’s so weird being depressed when I look out the window and see beautiful blue skies. But such is my existence. Seems nothing works to lift my spirits. I have DVDs to watch but they don’t interest me much.

The only thing that I seem to tolerate is the Parisian jazz station I have as a link. They play such a variety that I never get bored. I’ve heard American artists singing songs I’ve never heard in the states before. Plus I get to hear Parisian French and I’m reminded that my French is not as great as it used to be, but just listening to it lifts my spirits a bit.

Sometimes I wonder if my psych meds work, but I’m not about to stop taking them! I envy people like Hush Puppy who seems to have it together. I’ve never seen him break down. He’s been hospitalized several times through the years but he seems okay about it all. And he works, so I guess that keeps his mind on other things.

But I’ll continue to reside in my isolation tower. It seems to be working so far for me.

Garboesque

Periodically when I see my counselor I have to fill out a form on my mental state. There’s a statement to the effect that I think the world would be better without me. Of course I always check that box.

Lots of times I feel like I don’t fit in as well. And I have to put on my façade and pretend like everything’s just fine. Well it’s not.

And I allow obnoxious people to get to me. Their mere presence in the room puts me in a fowl mood. I’ve avoided support groups because there is a negative influence in the group that manages to get me down no matter how much I ignore them.

So the best solution is to stay away. I will be Garboesque and stay to myself. Besides sometimes I feel like I can’t talk to people. I’ve become quite the introverted wallflower, but that started with a bad relationship in the 90’s. But that’s another story.

For now, I Vant to be alone.

Counselor's Visit

I saw my counselor today. I talked about all that’s going on like usual. She hadn’t read my blog so I filled her in on everything.

We also talked about the holidays. Chiflado does not do holidays as some of you may already know. Plus I take this time of year more to heart because my sister was hospitalized and died.

Okay it was 22 years ago, but Chiflado has a heart and my sister was my everything. She was always there for me and I could talk about anything to her. She was my best friend, mother, confidante, everything. And to have a life taken away at such an early age, she was 47, just didn’t make sense. Neither did the fact that she died in my arms.

I try not to think about it, but it happens every year. There are many days coming up that I will cry for no reason. But it’s a memory locked in storage that makes its way out of its Pandora’s Box.

I have a feeling of isolation and/or depression coming on. Hush Puppy’s noticed something’s not right with me already.

My counselor did ask if I was depressed. And I said there are several layers of depression and I am in a level. She suggested volunteering but I do not want to be around people. There are times when one needs to be alone and I need to be alone.

So far, so good

Okay, I’ve only been on this new cocktail for three days and so far I have had no adverse reactions. One hears horror stories about changing meds.

I played wonderful uncle today. B rang me up last night to see if I’d be her chaperone, but she really meant chauffer. Her son had an appointment at the Medical Centre and since I’m the brave one that will go anywhere, I said yes.

She left a message on my machine to ring her later. I called and said What do you want? Where are you going? And When? We have that kind of relationship, but then again, I have that kind of relationship with all my Homies.

People look at the Medical Centre as a town in its own right. I constantly hear people not finding their way around even after years of going to the same building. Oy. Nice to be appreciated and Chiflado got a Halloween goodie bag out of it to boot.

Shell Shock

I’m still in shock and feel a depression lurking over this HOPWA situation. I wish I could let it go but it’s like gum on a shoe. I have $15.40 and according to their formula I should have over $300 enabling me ‘to transition off HOPWA.’ What a form letter.

And then there’s the lack of empathy from my case manager. He’s there to help me out but I guess he’s also there to listen to the director and not give us any hope. And I’m not about to write a brown nose letter to that person.

And then there’s the lack of professionalism when I was asked if I was going to be back next month by the receptionist. That zinger got to me as well. It was like a bubble in a comic strip you get to read over and over again.

The good news is I get to see my counselor this week. We do get to work out issues but also manage to talk about other things to take my mind away from whatever is festering in me.

Looks like the trick was on me this year, huh? Think positive, because I am positive! Inhale, exhale, calm down relax, I know the routine.

Out Again

Hush Puppy and I got together after he got off work. We visited here for a while before heading out. And wasn’t it a Chiflado Day, gorgeous, just gorgeous. We went the Delivery Market for a late lunch. See why I’m called Chiflado?

Of course it never fails. We sat down and were chatting while our order was prepared. Next to us, of all the empty tables around us mind you, plopped two ladies with twin monsters. Now, Chiflado likes children don’t get me wrong, but these two were so out of control and were just too much for the two women. They finally left with their food to go and apologized to everyone in the store.

I forgot it’s Halloween, there were a lot of people in costume downtown. That and tourists for a Notre Dame football game. I don’t know which were funnier to stare at.

We came back and visited a while longer before I walked Hush Puppy to the bus stop; I have to look out after my baby sister.

Happy Halloween!

Out and About

Mess rang me up today also. He said it was a beautiful day and that I should get out. I did not tell him of my lunch plans, but I did say I was going out.

After lunch, I went to pick up my last HOPWA check. It was a weird experience because it’s been part of my routine for so long. She said it was nice working with me. I told her I’d think of them in my suicide note and left.

As I was leaving, the receptionist asked if she’d be seeing me next month, like she already knew that was my last check. I told her no but as I started walking to the bus stop I wondered if the whole agency knew it was my last check. You know how people talk and it upset me a little bit, but what can I do?

I know all about burning bridges and I’m not about to raise a stink because I can always reapply for HOPWA next year. I guess the bright side is I don’t have to jump through their hoops, that’s one bit of stress I can delete from my routine.

Now I have the stress of waiting to hear from housing. I’m still on their list and my complex does accept housing vouchers. Keep me in your prayers and light a candle for me please.

Mexican Manhattan

Purple 13 rang me up and invited me to lunch today. She works downtown so we get to have a ladies lunch periodically. Plus I wanted to gossip about something I might write about down the road.

We went to the Mexican Manhattan. Some people like it and some people don’t, we like it and not just for the hottie waiter! The food they serve is like Mamacita makes and the portions are generous. It was a late lunch so that was it for Chiflado for the day.

Chiflado had the Manhattan Dinner which is a guacamole salad, two beef enchiladas, rice and beans and the tortillas are home made. The Manhattan is practically hidden in the middle of boarded up businesses and has been there for decades. Here is their website: http://www.mexicanmanhattan.com/

New Meds

Just got back from the pharmacy. Remember we’re trying something more aggressive to boost my CD-4 count. Instead of 13 pills a day, I’m up to 15 a day.

We eliminated Atripla for Truvada, Reyataz and Norvir, the bright side being I only take them once a day also. They’ll be part of my Saturday routine of pill sorting. I’m quite excited about this and I hope the sarcasm comes through loud and clear.

I’ve been on a downer for a while now. I try not to let things overwhelm me but they sneak up on me and attack full force. I haven’t been out of the house in days now spending my time surfing the net. I cannot focus on movies or a book right now either.

People worry about me but they shouldn’t. I’m used to being alone and they misinterpret it as lonely. So don’t worry about me, concentrate on your lives please.

Manic Monday

It’s a fabulous October Monday. It’s raining buckets out there and it’s in the 50’s, perfect weather for a walk to clear Chiflado’s mind. I’m still on auto-pilot but I did wind up at the post office so I checked my mail while I was there.

With all the loonies in downtown San Antonio, no one turned to look at a grown man walking in the rain in shorts and a polo shirt. Hey, I’ve seen tourists jogging in worse weather. My window’s open letting in cool northern air but don’t worry, Chiflado is invincible.

It’s times like this that I miss cawfee. I’d probably make two pots on a gorgeous day like today. Tea doesn’t do it for me neither does oatmeal. I woke up before the rain hit and I’m ready for a nap already. I'll wait until I dry off first.

Mortality

Like I said before, why bother? As soon as we’re born, we’re ready to die. I am just that much closer to the big finale. And with all the advances, AIDS patients are living longer than ever, like that’s a fun fact.

Yes look on the bright side, but there’s still the gloom and doom there no matter what. Believe me I’ve heard them all; the glass is half full, lemons, make lemonade, etc, etc.

And the one that gets me is, you’ve got so much to offer. Like what, cure cancer? Or I can always write my great American novel, but I’ve got so many ideas how does one decide on one over the other?

Death haunts me. It’s the next logical step. I’ve thought of suicide for way too many decades, but I don’t have the courage to do it. I’m a wuss. Counselors and other people say it’s the coward’s way out, but I’ve talked to other people in my boat and it does take a lot of courage to pull the trigger, jump off the ledge, etc.

I actually went on-line one day to see if I could buy cyanide but they only sell it in 55 gallon drums! Someone suggested I write for a sample, it should only take a dose right? Don’t worry dear readers, Chiflado will never take the plunge; he has no cojones to do the deed.

Oh, I love this, they say no people are dying from AIDS anymore, it’s heart disease, liver failure, some kind of cancer, or a number of other things. Like that’s comforting to know.

Well that’s my Sunday diatribe. Have a great week.

Dr.'s Visit

First the good news, my cholesterol level and triglycerides went down, so my new diet seems to be working. I’m still undetectable which is great; we all strive for that and a high CD-4 count.

The bad news is my CD-4 count went down for some reason. I’ve been taking my meds religiously, so what went wrong? We decided to switch meds to something more aggressive, or so I hope. I just dropped off my script at the pharmacy for next week.

I’m on auto-pilot right now. First the bad news about my housing situation and now my low t-cell count. I just don’t get it. I put out good karma and then I get hit with elephant dung from the whole herd!

Calm down. Relax. Inhale. I can see light at the end of the long tunnel. Believe it Chiflado.

HOPWA Update

So I met with my case manager and it flat out looks grim. It looks like I will be off HOPWA after November. I’ve reached the end of my rope and there’s no hope for Chiflado. All I can ask is keep me in your prayers.

He wanted to go in one direction that seemed promising but when I came home and looked at my records, it’s a no go. I just hate giving up. Before this illness, I was in charge of my life and nothing could stop me. Now I’m at the whims of someone else.

Needless to say, Chiflado is not feeling great, like he ever was to begin with. I think I’ll drink my half glass of lemonade. I will survive.

Counseling

Chiflado had a great visit with his counselor today. We talked about my HOPWA situation, she reads the blog so she knows what’s going on and we got right to business. I am truly blessed to have her in my life and consider her part of my support system.

I feel safe in the womb of the room like I mentioned earlier. And I always leave like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. She asked about Mess and Hush Puppy and considers me lucky to have friends like that. Blessed is what I am.

CentroMed Clinics

CentroMed is the clinic I go to for everything from lab work, test results, nutritional counseling, and counseling. I am very happy with the treatment I get there.

They also provide instructional luncheons and dinners at various restaurants throughout SA. All the topics deal with HIV awareness in some form or another. Chiflado has been to enough that he is well educated in the HIV realm.

I just got back from such a dinner and honey, no rain’s gonna stop Chiflado from a free meal! For more info on Centro click here: http://www.centromedsa.com/

The Lost Symbol

I just read The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown, author of Angels and Demons and The Da Vinci Code. I must say I was disappointed.

It’s redundant and he gets repetitious at certain points. As in the previous novels, all the action takes place in one night. It also seems that Brown used his imagination very well and was more verbose than necessary.

This time, symbologist Langdon is called in to Washington to give a last minute lecture but winds up involved in a mystery involving the Free Masons. The book randomly goes from the current time frame to the past and back again. It is easy to keep up with it all but it gets annoying when something is happening and then we’re whisked off 10 years earlier.

And the book reads like a movie script at times and a boring movie at that. There is CIA involvement since there is a potential leak and the CIA agent in charge is one of the two interesting characters. The other is the antagonist who knows a lot of Masonry, but the striking things about him are his height and his tattoos.

We are taken to some of Washington’s historical sights and when we get to the climax, it’s so anti-climactic which is when I realized I read this for this pay-off? I am a Dan Brown fan but I would not recommend this.

Of course everyone’s gonna read it expecting something spectacular like the above two novels. I just re-read The Da Vinci Code and loved it. Brown has written some other novels that I have yet to read but I hope they do not let me down like this one.

Bad News

Being the realist that I am, I thought this would happen. I follow their rules and regulations, but I was turned down for my HOPWA reassessment this month. I just got the news today.

There is a formal grievance procedure and I have been through it before. But this time I wonder if it’s even worth it. I’ve been sensing gloom and doom and sure enough it happened.

I personally think their formula is a little outdated and should be modified. And this year I will not be getting a raise as ya’ll may have heard. So I’m gonna sit down with my case manager and see what we can do. I’m still on the housing list just waiting for them to call me.

We’ll see what happens.

Family Time

Chiflado spent quality time with his two favourite nieces yesterday. Nothing says loving like the warmth of family.

Sometimes it’s just nice not to think of AIDS and when we visit, we talk about everything and everyone we know. We all have our aches and pains but we were just so happy being in each other’s company.

D and her husband picked me up and we ran some errands and picked up take-out then it was off to B’s home for our mini-reunion. B is married also and has two wonderful children I adore. Sometimes we don’t see each other in weeks, or in my case, months, but when we get together it’s like we haven’t seen each other since yesterday.

We had a great meal and homemade cake and we made some more memories. Too quickly it was Chiflado’s bedtime and he had some pill taking to do as well and they knew it.

B packed up some yummies for me for the next couple of days and D and her husband drove me home. It’s great to love and be loved.

Delivery Market

Purple 13 invited me to lunch and since there was nothing on my calendar, I said yes. Here’s to the ladies that lunch…

We went to Delivery Market on E. Houston. They have a deli with great sandwiches, subs, and pizzas. I’ve always been one for a Philly steak sandwich and it was delicious. It also came with a potato salad made out of baked potatoes.

You can also buy some sundry items and they deliver. It’s just a walk for Chiflado, so if I need anything I’ll just walk over. Highly recommended of course and here’s their website: http://www.deliverymarketsa.com/

India Palace

Mess rang me up and asked if I wanted to go to lunch today. After checking my calendar, I said I was indeed free for lunch. We talked about places to go to and when I said Indian, he was sold.

Located in a shopping strip in the Medical Centre, the place is spacious and well lit even with the tinted windows. For a minute Mess thought it might rain. The restaurant is now located several storefronts from the previous location.

Well Dear Readers, the food is still fabulous. They have a buffet or you can order off the menu, but we headed for the buffet area, that way you can get a little of everything and give your taste buds a treat. Nothing I had was bad; my favourite is spinach paneer over a bed of basmati rice.

There were several chicken dishes including tandoori chicken and chicken curry, and vegetarian dishes as well. We were kinda surprised to see a beef dish seeing as how the cow is holy in India, but I guess Texas got its way here. For dessert I got some mango custard that just hit the spot and Mess got some fresh fruit.

I highly recommend India Palace for a nice time out. For more info, click here: http://www.indiapalacesa.com/

Majestic Theatre

I should mention we saw Mamma Mia! at the Majestic Theatre downtown. The Majestic Theatre is San Antonio’s oldest and largest atmospheric theatre.

In 1975, the theatre was listed on the National Register of Historical Places and was designated a National Historic Landmark in 1993. Designed by architect John Eberson in 1929, it is also home to the San Antonio Symphony.

Words cannot begin to describe the grandeur that is the Majestic. Recently restored down to the aquarium in the lobby. As you face the stage you can see all the intricate craftsmanship that went into building this classic building.

I remember as a child how in awe I was of the theatre and even now it manages to impress me. I highly recommend seeing a show at the Majestic just to experience an age gone by.

Jazz Station

Mess hooked me up with another jazz station that I want to pass on to ya'll. This one is out of Portland http://www.kmhd.org/ Hope ya'll enjoy.

Headstone

This says it all!

Wal-Mart

Hush Puppy turned me on to this website. Sure makes me glad I'm not a Wal-Mart shopper! I cannot believe people leave the house looking like this. Do they own mirrors? Click here for more: http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

Weather

We have been having the most phenomenal weather lately. After quite the hot summer with temperatures in the 100’s, it has been a welcome change. Shallow Chiflado that I am, I have the weather set on my home page for San Antonio and Paris.

The weather has been very similar in both places and reminds me of my week in Paris. The difference being that in Paris I was out all over the place and here I am in my sanctuary. Yesterday’s morning rain was quite needed and at least I didn’t get rained on in Paris.

I’ve had the window open for the past few days letting in that cool blast and today I had the last of my chicken soup. The clouds do not bring me down, au contraire; I love this kind of weather. It’s the Texas heat and humidity I abhor.

Out and about

I actually went out today, and in this humidity. That time of the year for lab work and I hate it when she takes out vial after vial as she looks at the work order. That’s enough I said, she laughed and kept on getting more vials ready. At least it didn’t hurt because I’ve heard horror stories.

I got a quick bite to eat and then it was off to the pharmacy. No week is complete without a visit to the pharmacy. Of course I’m on a first name basis with everyone and usually when they see me walk in the door they go get my order.

Next stop, library. I had to drop off some DVDs and pick up some. I’m watching Mad Men and don’t see what the big hoopla is all about. Well, one could say there’s Jon Hamm, but it’s nothing but a soap opera set in an advertising firm. I do like the characters though.

All this by 10 a.m., not bad for an HIVer. And I did it all on foot, since I don’t have the luxury/bother of a car. Looks like I’m in for the rest of the day again.

Planning ahead

I have always been an organized person, I like to plan ahead. How I wish I could plan a visit to Paris!

The other day I was at Office Depot getting my Norton anti-virus and also bought a calendar for next year. I guess that means I’m planning on being around another year at least.

Some days I just don’t feel like going out. What’s the point? I don’t have any money to spend and I literally have everything I need here. Today was one of those days. I had a bagel for breakfast and made some chicken soup for the next couple of days. I’ve felt something coming on, hence the soup along with some aspirin.

Not to mention the humidity. Why go out if you don’t have to? People get concerned that I don’t go out. Hey, it’s my business. I go out when I have to and come back home ASAP. There’s no place like home.

Percy Jackson

What if the Greek gods were still alive in the 21st century? San Antonio's own Rick Riordan has brought them to life in a series of children’s books that I highly recommend. Our hero, Percy Jackson is a demi-god, son of Poseidon and a mortal woman.

Twelve-year old Percy finds out the truth and is whisked off to a demi-god camp on Long Island where he meets other demi-gods. The first book is The Lightening Thief and he sets out on a quest with a satyr and a daughter of Athena. Along the way he meets other mythological creatures and gods to deter or help him.

There are five books and they must be read in order and each book is a one day read. Of course Hollywood has taken notice and the film comes out in February and Chiflado will be in queue to see it.

Riordan has also written some adult mystery novels that I will read as soon as I get a chance. For more info, click here: http://www.rickriordan.com/

Houston St Bistro

After the musical was over, my high school buddy, Purple13, took me to a fabulous restaurant almost next door to the theatre.

The Houston St Bistro is a posh almost hole in the wall. It is very theatre oriented with murals of Hollywood’s famous people from yesteryear. The menu is cute in that each entrée is named for a play or musical. She had the Cabaret which is a chicken breast in marsala sauce over angel hair pasta. I had the Avenue Q, duh! A grilled to perfection New York strip with mashed potatoes and asparagus. It was so perfect I did not even have to season it. Oh and the bread is freshly baked and my Caesar salad quite yummy.

The atmosphere was congenial and the service exceptional. They do take reservations but we got in no problem. They also have some great luncheon specials during the week. I have walked past this restaurant so many times since I live downtown and never went in, but guess what?, I highly recommend it.

Hope yall try it out sometime. Or call me and I’ll meet you there!

Dancing Queen

No, I did not go out clubbing! Just got back from seeing Mamma Mia! at the Majestic Theatre. It’s only my fourth time and this is as good as the Toronto version I saw before it went to Broadway.

Based on Abba songs, the musical tells the story of a young woman’s search for her father. She is about to get married and after reading her mother’s diary, there are three potential men in the running, so she invites them to the wedding hoping she will know which is her dad.

It was quite the pick-me-up after my week. Theater is in Chiflado’s genes and if I cannot be onstage I may as well be in the audience. This is one musical I can always recommend.

Blanco Cafe

Chiflado went to Blanco Cafe with his friend the other day and I had the green chicken enchiladas. Theses are chicken enchiladas with a tomatillo sauce and a dollop of sour cream. Quite the tasty dish.

My friend is part of my support system and I have known her since high school. Our friendship goes back that far back although we lost track of each other while I lived elsewhere, but I'm back and we found each other.

Chiflado didn't feel like doing anything for breakfast this rainy Saturday morning so guess where I went? I had the chilaquiles which are out of this world, the plate comes with beans and potatoes and the customary tortillas. Chilaquiles are tortilla pieces with egg and cheese and a bit on the spicy side. Chiflado was sated.

For more info on the Blanco cafe, click here http://blancocafe.net/

Tattoo

I forgot. While in Paris, I got the most fabulous tattoo of the Eiffel Tower on my right forearm. Very detail work for only 65 Euros, that’s under $100. It’s a great conversation piece as everybody notices it.

That is my fifth tattoo, but far from the last. All my tattoos have a meaning behind them, but this was my birthday gift to myself. I guess I forgot to mention also that I went the week of my birthday. I celebrated with a slice of strawberry torte and an espresso.

I really should go back. My psychiatrist highly recommends I return. There’s always the Lotto.

Paris

I have wanted to see Paris since I was a child and the time was right after I got my disability. Things just fell into place kinda at the last moment. I found a good flight and nice hotel and booked it. The packages were much more expensive, so I researched like crazy.

I went alone. Some people were surprised and some people thought me brave. Thing is, I don't know anyone else here that has had this dream as I have. So, who could I go with?

The hotel was charming, only 33 rooms the brochure says. I was on the 4th floor overlooking the one-way street. Across me was another olde building with a shield of arms saying 1847! It was some kind of business and I could see people working across the street periodically.

Well, Paris is Paris. Words cannot describe it as anyone lucky enough to have been there knows. I was breathless, speechless, full of awe, amazed. It was phenomenal, fantastic. I want to go back.

I was only there only for six nights. Had I more money, I would have stayed longer of course. There's always next time. I was in Marais near La Place de la Republique on a charming little rue hidden by some arches in a business district.

I bought a Metro Pass for the week although I used the Metro twice. A, I got lost somewhat, B, it's exhausting with a bum knee and a cane walking up and down those stairs and it got very hot down there, and C. I didn't get to see Paris firsthand. The pass was good for the bus also, so I bused around.

I did not come across the mythological rude Parisian. Au contraire, a woman actually offered me her seat on the metro! All the people I came across were very nice and forthcoming.

I wound up walking over most of the place. I found an energy I had not had in ages and I was the Energizer Bunny, I just kept going and going. When I'd get tired, I'd buy a beverage and catch my breath at one of the many beautifully landscaped parks while I read up on my Paris books and wrote in my travel journal. What a cliché!

Every street was an adventure and every building a treasure. I have always been one for architecture and Paris is an architectural paradise.

I walked down la rue Sebastopol and saw the steeples of Notre Dame looming in the distance urging me on. It's a huge building of course, but I thought it small for Hugo's characters. I bought a panini and small bottle of wine and enjoyed it in a small parc in back of Notre Dame recommended by a fabulous friend, Greg.

I got on a BatoBus (Boat taxi) and glided through history. Le Louvre on my right, followed by L'Arch de Triomphe and around the bend on the left, Le Tour Eiffel peaked out from the top of some buildings and slowly appeared in front of me.

My mouth was on the floor. I walked under it and just looked up. Amazing. I did not go up because the queues were just too long and I wanted to do some much in so little time.

La Conciergerie in front of Notre Dame where Marie Antoinette spent the last few months of her life. Tragic. And then to see La Place de La Concorde by Le Louvre where she was taken in that two wheeled cart shackled like a beast in humiliation to her death. It brought a tear to my eye.

Pere Lachaise, the famous cemetery, city of the dead within the famed City of Light. I meandered through the rues looking for the famous and infamous. I spent three hours looking and pondering and thinking of the inevitable.

Sacre Coeur, I did not get to go. I saw it from a tour bus. They have a great tour bus that you can hop on four different tours that highlight four parts of the city. This was Montmartre where Le Moulin Rouge is located.

The foods were great. Duh! The aromas wafted throughout the rues and boulevards inviting one to sample the succulent dishes of other countries. I did not have French food though! I had Indian, Turkish, Cuban, and Italian food. I did have my morning espresso with un baguette and un croissant though.

All my senses were invigorated and I saw, touched, smelled, tasted, and felt Paris. My mind's eye was awakened and words flew out onto my journal. I read it now and I am back somewhere in Paris.

I had no problems with communication. I spoke French and Spanish mostly while there.

Get this. It's almost like I never even went. I bought a digital camera and I took five pictures and then the thing didn't work! I had the instruction booklet and that didn't help. I wound up buying a disposable camera at the last moment. But there are no photos of me in Paris.

And then when I got home and was putting stuff away, I saw my passport was not stamped! I was gypped! I HAVE to return if not just to get the thing stamped.

It was well worth the effort. Dreams are fabulous when they come true. I still walk around and see Paris. My new happy place is Paris.

Salt in the wound

Boy, when it rains it pours. As you know I am on HOPWA and part of the programme is a periodic home visit and assessment. The home visit went okay of course. But the assessment did not. They look at my monthly expenses and it looks like I am making or saving a lot of money. So it looks like I might be taken off HOPWA, the bright side is I can apply next year.

I was catatonic all day yesterday after that appointment. The one ray of hope was that I was scheduled to see my analyst today. There is something comforting about being in that womb of a room taking to someone about my feelings.

I was literally getting ready to walk out the door right now when the phone rang. It was the clinic calling to say that my doctor had called in for the day! Looks like another day of catatonia. What’s a girl to do?

I have had no energy or desire to do anything the past few days. I have a great book to read and DVDs to watch but nothing interests me right now. I have just been listening to that Parisian jazz station I recommended. So guess what I’ll be doing today.

Depression

What can I say about depression that you haven’t heard? I bet you didn’t know that I am depressed. I was depressed way before the HIV, as a matter of fact; I look at childhood photos and do not see a happy child. I distinctly remember not feeling well at the age of six although there is a photo of me at 2 1/2 that shows me with a scowl on my face.

I cried a lot for no reason and guess what, I still do. That’s why I’m in therapy and take psych meds. And they do work for the most part, but sometimes the switch is turned on and I get in a fetal position and don’t get out of bed. I like to say I’m on the roller coaster and then it drops and stays down for a while.

I feel like I’ve lied to friends and family because I only show the up me, having fun, joking around, and laughing, a lot of laughter. What you don’t know is that inside I’m a second from a crying session. Sometimes I see something or someone says something that sets off the trigger.

It takes so much energy out of me. There are days on end where I will not leave my apartment which is why I watch so many films as an escape. I put in a DVD and for those two hours, I don’t think about anything but the film. I also read a lot and I’m a character somewhere else where the world is okay.

Strange thing is, I haven’t reacted to my diagnosis. I’ve been positive for five years now and it seems like someone made a mistake somewhere. But my labs tell me the truth. As anybody who knows me knows that I always put myself in second place. I’ll worry about you and your medical problems and visit you in the hospital, but I will not allow anyone to reciprocate.

I started getting in a funky mood last night for some reason. I forced myself to clean house today but the mood was still there. And I had to go out and see people today. It took a lot to get me to go. Mess called to check up on me and he kinda nudged me into going out today. He’s a real sweetheart like I mentioned earlier.

We went to our Sunday support group and I made with the idle chit chat and banter, but I just wanted to scream and leave. I kept looking at the clock and never saw it move so slow in my life.

But I made it okay and I’m home in the safety net that is my four walls. Now to get rid of my mood.

Grey Gardens

Just saw Grey Gardens again. This is the doc that spawned a Broadway musical and an HBO film. Focusing on Jackie Kennedy Onassis's eccentric aunt and cousin, this shows them in a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship.

Their once fabulous mansion has fallen into disrepair and they live in squalor along with cats, raccoons, and opossums. And they're quite content with their living conditions. Highly recommended to see this first before the HBO film where Barrymore brings new life to Little Edie.

A Hard Pill to Swallow

It’s Saturday. I sometimes dread Saturdays only because I have to sort my pills for the coming week. It doesn’t sound like a big to-do, but it is a bother and I guess it makes me look at my mortality.

I know we all must die, comes with the package, but it seems like I was destined for something greater and I never accomplished it. Being bi-polar makes me want to stop taking them and wither away. The other side keeps on going like the Energizer Bunny and goes through my everyday routines. I like that independence because it makes me feel like I am still a part of life.

I just counted and I take a total of 13 pills for one reason or other. Most are actually psych meds, only one is for HIV. Some of these pills are taken twice a day and one I have to swallow four. Sometimes I feel like a human maraca.

And so the Bunny goes on…

Pet Peeve

Why is it that in the seventh largest city in the USA, with over 60% Latino, Hispanic, Spanish-speaking people, we do not have a first run Spanish language theatre? I remember we used to have the Nacional, the Guadalupe, and the Alameda that used to play Spanish language films. Now we have nada.

Fact is there are so many quality and diverse films coming out of Mexico, Argentina, Spain, and other countries where Spanish is the official language. I feel we are being ignored here.

The only one capable of showing films is the Alameda. It is such a beautiful theatre decorated with unique tile and is a showcase in its own right. Every now and then someone turns on the marquee and it is as if it is asking to be resuscitated. It is sad to see some of the letters not working. The inside décor is exquisite and along the same quality as the Majestic or the Aztec.

For more photos, click here : http://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images?_adv_prop=image&ni=20&va=alameda+theater+san+antonio&fr=slv8-&xargs=0&pstart=1&b=1


I think the Conservation Society or City Council or somebody with brains should do something about this injustice.

Mis dos centavos…

Lazy Days

Thank goodness for disability is all I have to say sometimes. I'm still in recuperation mode from the campout. My metabolism was out of whack for an entire weekend and I'm still getting used to life back home.

Rain in San Antonio? What a rare treat. Perfect weather for staying home and be a couch potato. I needed items from the store but there's no way Chiflado's going out in the rain. He might melt!

I'm just gonna spend the day watching DVDs including one with one of my favourite Argentinian actors Leonardro Sbaraglia. Not only is he a good actor but he's hot as well. I'd hit him! I also have a Star Trek DVD, I never saw the original series but as some of you know I'm a major fan of The Next Generation, so thanks to the library I'm getting to catch up on the series.

My POZ Posse

My posse consists of two of the greatest friends I've come across in decades. They are Hush Puppy (HP) and White Chocolate Mess (Mess) and he's quite the mess!

I met HP in January and there was an instant spark that just ignited into a wonderful friendship. My day is not complete without a daily call to check up on each other. He had a dark cloud around him for a few months but everything's falling into place lately and I wish him nothing but the best. He's the one that speaks bovine and asked a cow for directions to the campout.

Mess is a Noo Yawker with a heart of gold. I met him in February and we hit it off almost immediately. He has a fascinating blog, just check my links for White Chocolate Mess, and you'll get an insight into him.

There appears to be another member lurking in the shadows and he's as crazy as the three of us. We don't have a nickname for him yet, but for now it's just Ringo, making us the Fab Four.

We all have the same wicked, sardonic sense of humour and wit. We usually sit together at our support group and just have a conversation by ourselves.

Before I forget, at the campout HP concocted a beverage that is now forever known as the Hush Puppy and that's just about all we drank while we were up there. Ringo didn't make it, he's too shy. Those vultures would have flocked all over him for sure.

Later...

I'm b-a-a-c-k!

All I can say is what happens at the campout stays at the campout! Oh the sights Chiflado saw. The weather was fabulous although we still had humidity. I think Texas must mean humidity somewhere. Again, we were out in the middle of nowhere, we stopped and asked a cow for directions.

I will say that Chiflado did karaoke. He got up on stage, and being the true lounge act that he is, he sang Fly Me to The Moon. Classy. One of my POZ posse also got up and sang a song I'd never heard and he did it quite well. Our other comarade did not participate but was disappointed in himself afterward.

But we had fun which was the goal. We did not think about HIV. We did go to a few cocktail parties and even invented a drink in honour of one of my posse. And we met men who were as zany as us if not more.

More later...

Mario Lopez

I have no comment. Just have a great weekend, Chiflado will!

PWA Campout

Chiflado and company will be at one with nature this weekend. Twice a year the Texas Conference of Clubs throws a camp-out for PWAs (People with AIDS) and their supporters.

It will be a nice weekend of fellowship, support, and a break from the routine of our daily worries. We will be out there in the boonies pitching a tent but we will have the comforts of home, i.e. showers, electricity, and daily meals. And there's always some interesting tales to tell afterward.

No more cawfee!!!

What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? De-calf-inated! And so has Chiflado.

After all my tummy trouble, I finally decided to give up cawfee. My blood pressure is high and both my doctor and nutritionist have advised giving it up.

Well, I'm the Master of my own Domain and I had my last cup last Wednesday, I had to finish the can, and now I'm getting withdrawl headaches that my nutritionist said should disappear in a few days. I still have my cherished mug I bought in Paris on the shelf. There's always herbal tea.

But I will miss the aroma as it filled my apartment. The taste of real black gold. The warmth of my mug. The taste made possible only by Juan Valdez! I clearly remember Mother putting some cawfee in my bottle and saying to drink it and go to sleep...and I did.

Cawfee...what a void.

Housing

Ah yes, the question of housing. Some of us live at home with relatives, I even tried living with two other HIV+ friends, but I prefer my privacy.

I have a fabulous apartment in downtown SA and it's very close to my doctor's office and all the major bus routes. A local AIDS agency is helping me with rent via their HOPWA (Housing Opportunities for People With AIDS) program. I filled out some paperwork and have regular inspections and I have periodic reviews.

Their main goal is for us on the HOPWA program to eventually go into public housing. And Chiflado has been on the list for four years. It is very important for us to be as independent as possible and having my own apartment is a godsend. No this is not my apartment but something I found on-line just as a reference.

Longtime Companion

This is my latest longtime companion, and my last! This is what an HIV cell looks like. This is actually the life cycle of HIV as it enters a healthy cell, replicates, and goes off in search of more damage. They do look kinda cute but we know bettter.

Moral of the story, play safe, get tested, be in a serious monogamous relationship unlike mine.

I guess the good thing I can say is the medications, or cocktails available to us nowadays are better. I hear horror stories about the early AIDS days where patients had to take a slew of pills and the side effects were many. Today there are meds that can be taken once a day, they are expensive but if you're lucky, you can get assistance with co-pays.

I am currently on a cocktail of one pill, Atripla. It is a combination of two meds in one pill and my t-cells have been slowly climbing. I am also taking a powerful anti-biotic that I hope to stop taking after I hit 200 t-cells. It's only a matter of time.

Viral Load

Another important number other than t-cell or CD4 count, is the viral load. Simply put, the viral load is the number of copies of the virus in your blood. The viral load is part of one's quarterly labwork. Initially I had 144,000 copies in my blood. At the time I was ignorant about all these numbers, but after a while we get to understand our labs.

Along with other tests, the HIV viral load test helps monitor your disease, guide HIV therapy, and predict how your disease may progress. Keeping your viral load low can reduce complications of HIV disease and extend your life. The thing to remember is to have a high t-cell count and a low viral load.

After five years in highly active antiretroviral therapy, or HAART, my latest CD4 count is 146 and my viral load is under 50 or undetectable. So apparently my therapy is working. Since I was diagnosed with the 3 initial t-cells, my progress has been slowly climbing.

A New Chapter

So I was back in San Antonio and staying with relatives until I got situated. I had to find a job, or so I thought, and I needed to find an infectious diseases doctor and see what assistance was out there for POZ people.

The doctor situation was no problem because the social worker had given me information on my medical options. I got that out of the way quickly and have been in treatment ever since.

I wanted a job because I felt I could hold down a job. The AIDS diagnosis was not a death warrent like I said, but I had to see what I was capable of. I did find a job, but only lasted about four months before I got sick and could not concentrate on my responsibilities.

What I should have done with my AIDS diagnosic, t-cell count, and oportunistic infection was to file for disability. They turned me down three times before I finally got a lawyer and got disability. I finally had a steady income that I could budget for the month.

I started visiting the AIDS agencies and getting information. I got a case manager that has been a godsend, he's a plethora of knowledge and keeps track of me. I was also able to get food stamps, while not much, every little bit helps. I'm also on public transportation and another agency gives me a monthly bus pass.

More later...

Leaving

I knew I had to leave but the question was when. And I gave the relationship every chance. I even left out a brochure on couples counseling, but he said everything was okay with us.

I started mailing home things to lighten my eventual load. I donated to the Goodwill. I knew I had to leave on a payday so I would have funds for my trip.

The perfect time presented itself when he went to dinner with his brothers and I packed my car. Of course he didn't notice anything was amiss when he came home. We talked and went to bed like any other night.

I woke early, showered, and cleaned the bathroom. By the time I heard him stirring I had his breakfast ready. Either I'm stupid or I have class. I could not look him in the eyes as I dropped my bomb. I'm leaving. Ok was all he said, like he was expecting it. Then I told him about the AIDS diagnosis and that he should get tested as soon as possible.

And that was it. So anticlimactic. I already had the garage open and I gave him my garage door opener. Nothing else was said. I got in my car and began my drive back to Texas. Alone again as usual and counting on the one constant in my life, myself.

Jazz and Classical Musique

One of my dear friends sent me a link to a great station out of Paris France that plays jazz and classical music. They also play a variety of Big Band, standards, all the stuff Chiflado likes. Click on the link and click on the 'Ecouter' button, that's French for listen. Hope ya'll enjoy it as much as moi. http://www.classicandjazz.net/

Disclosure

So there I was with my power symbol and my meds in hand. The next step was to disclose my status to loved ones. I was out of state so I called around for cheap airfare, I planned on doing this in person. They do not have any I-Just-Found-Out-I-Had-AIDS rates, so you know what I had to do.

I called family and they all said come home. They knew the power a family has and my relationship was pretty much over. We cried of course and I assured everyone I was okay as I explained the little I knew of the disease.

I had so many wonderful friends where I was and I was actually able to tell one couple of my situation. They were shocked and very understanding. And a hug never felt so good. People tend to run away as if we're contagious where it's actually us that might catch an illness.

There were other cherished friends, but I could never speak to them because I was usually with my partner. I was able to talk to them over the phone and via email when I finally left.

And all these beautiful people are still around and check up on me via email and I get warm fuzzies in the mail once in a while. They are all part of my support system.

Om

I looked at my three t-cells not as a death sentence but as a lesson learned. I named them Midler, Garland, and Minelli, MGM! Might as well make light of the situation.

I had also been reading a lot on Buddhism and Hinduism and Om kept haunting me for the obvious reason. You can obviously see the number three in the sanskrit symbol here.

So I decided to get an Om tattoo and I look at it everyday as a reminder of where I was. I call it my power symbol. Not to mention it gets a lot of attention from people in the know and people that ask what it's about. Of course I don't tell about the t-cells but about Om.
More later...

3 T-cells

So there I was at the hospital and it really had not sunk in. AIDS. I was given some prescriptions and orders for labwork. They took 16 vials of blood for whatever tests they called for. As I walked to the parking lot, I was in a daze and all I could think of was I have to get dinner going for my partner.

My partner was very difficult to talk to so I kept mum on the subject and he knew I had scripts and labwork done. You may wonder, why did I not get tested? We both got tested before we got into the relationship and we both tested negative. After that, I tested every six months or so then I figured why bother since it was a 'monogamous' relationship. I certainly wasn't looking to play around and I thought neither did he. Boy was I wrong, but why did he test negative?

I was on sick leave because I was contagious, not to mention I could not work the keyboard with one hand. So I got all my meds the next day and started taking them. You may wonder what the difference is between HIV and AIDS. HIV is the virus present in the body and AIDS is when one's t-cell count falls below 200 or has had an opportunistic infection. I had both.

Under the Weather

I was all gung-ho about this blog and I am still under the weather for some reason. The nausea is under control finally, but there are other aches and pains and for some reason I'm freezing...and I live in San Antonio!

More later...

Support System

Just got back from lunch with a friend. Blanco Cafe makes a killer tortilla soup. Chiflado has a support system comprised of friends and family. They have been there through my ups and downs, my infamous roller coaster of emotions.

I've been having a severe bout of nausea for a few months and my nutritionist put me on the BRAC diet. That's bananas, rice, applesauce, and crackers. Yum. I'm ready for Shady Pines!

Everybody's been calling to check on me. Guess I should mention my name here, Chiflado. Where I grew up in San Antonio TX, a chiflado is a spoiled brat and I was Chiflado from birth baby.

After guzzling bottles of Maalox and Pepto-bismol, my PCP finally found a fabulous medication that seems to be working. So my problem is under control for the time being.

Another part of support are support groups and I'm off to one right now. Gotta keep up with the latest tea.

Ciao

I FIND OUT!

18 March 2004, 9 a.m. I had an appointment with a doctor that turned out to be an infections disease doctor. Boy was she mad at me! A case of shingles finally got me to get tested again for HIV. The social worker said if it's okay you don't have to come in, but if we need to see you, that's a different story. Charming.

So there I was all alone as I have been all my life. The whole visit was surreal and still is to me. I had 3 t-cells. Not only did I have HIV, but I was fully diagnosed as an AIDS patient because of that lucky number.

She ran a bunch of tests and gave me prescriptions and set me up for further lab testing. I was in a fog. The social worker wanted a list of my sexual partners, I was in a 'monogamous' relationship or so I thought. I gave no names since I didn't know any and promised to tell my partner.