What can I say about depression that you haven’t heard? I bet you didn’t know that I am depressed. I was depressed way before the HIV, as a matter of fact; I look at childhood photos and do not see a happy child. I distinctly remember not feeling well at the age of six although there is a photo of me at 2 1/2 that shows me with a scowl on my face.
I cried a lot for no reason and guess what, I still do. That’s why I’m in therapy and take psych meds. And they do work for the most part, but sometimes the switch is turned on and I get in a fetal position and don’t get out of bed. I like to say I’m on the roller coaster and then it drops and stays down for a while.
I feel like I’ve lied to friends and family because I only show the up me, having fun, joking around, and laughing, a lot of laughter. What you don’t know is that inside I’m a second from a crying session. Sometimes I see something or someone says something that sets off the trigger.
It takes so much energy out of me. There are days on end where I will not leave my apartment which is why I watch so many films as an escape. I put in a DVD and for those two hours, I don’t think about anything but the film. I also read a lot and I’m a character somewhere else where the world is okay.
Strange thing is, I haven’t reacted to my diagnosis. I’ve been positive for five years now and it seems like someone made a mistake somewhere. But my labs tell me the truth. As anybody who knows me knows that I always put myself in second place. I’ll worry about you and your medical problems and visit you in the hospital, but I will not allow anyone to reciprocate.
I started getting in a funky mood last night for some reason. I forced myself to clean house today but the mood was still there. And I had to go out and see people today. It took a lot to get me to go. Mess called to check up on me and he kinda nudged me into going out today. He’s a real sweetheart like I mentioned earlier.
We went to our Sunday support group and I made with the idle chit chat and banter, but I just wanted to scream and leave. I kept looking at the clock and never saw it move so slow in my life.
But I made it okay and I’m home in the safety net that is my four walls. Now to get rid of my mood.
I suffer from chronic recurring depression myself and I have found that acceptance is one of the keys. When I am in a funk, I try not to make it bigger and scarier than it is. I just hide, or try to do something nice for myself, or simply sleep. It's no different than a physical malady - if your legs don't work on a particular day, for example, you can't walk. So you don't. But it's important to honor the good days, even the good moments, even if they are few and far between. And NERVINE certainly helps, if you haven't tried it already.
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