Still scared...

I actually went out twice today. Of course the big thing for me is to figure out what day of the week it is before getting started. I made it back in about an hour and 1/2.

Something was on my mind but I could not figure out what it was. Then I looked at my calendar, I saw I had a dinner at La Margarita.

I think that's when it hit. Shallow breathing, sweats, I even got dizzy spells. Don't know if that's a symptom of panic attack or anxiety attack. The evening one started in my apartment, I got to the lobby and I turned to walk back but I nearly bumped into someone. So I aimed toward the door. I stayed there for almost 5 minutes before I finally opened the door and walked out and felt the heat of the day.

It's sad when opening a door is a feeling of accomplishment and I did it all alone, so there. The lecture du jour was Substance Abuse and HIV and Larry is a great presenter and the whole presentation went smoothly.

I really hate these dizzy spells. I feel like I'm gonna faint at any moment.
And the AIDSheimer's keeps getting worse. I can tell what you were wearing last week, but I cannot recall that I saw you today. HP was laughing so hard Sunday when I attempted to say something, but was like my brain was saying one thing and my mouth was saying another thing.

Thanks for putting up me,

Birthday Boy

Happy 25th Birthday to the great Michael Phelps. Oh what I wouldn't do in his underwater castle. Check out the pic for the bulge.

Birthday Girl

Happy 53rd Birthday to Maria Conchita Alonzo. Born in Cuba then moved to Venezuela with her family. She's great in comedies, dramas, and thrillers.

Monday Support Group

I know somewhere I blogged about this group. This one focuses more on addictions, so I fit in perfectly. I would have skipped this group tonight but the Manager was passing out monthly bus passes for July.

Then we had a round the table discussions to see how we were all doing. As usual I was the last and I had THE story. As soon as I said 'I have cancer,' the group got very quiet. It's like what does someone say to that? Then it was time up, so I was not able to continue with my problem. Maybe next time.

Sunday Group

Went to our Sunday social yesterday even though I wasn't in the mood. I just prefer to stay home is all. It was my usual routine, cawfee, toast, and then lounge around until 1,30 or thereabouts to bathe and get dressed. I usually take the 3,20 bus and I'm at MCC around 3,30.

We were a small group yesterday, only four of us showed up. We yakked it up like always. More would be great, but there are guys that come and go, even Chiflado has stayed away to just do nothing at home, to be Garboesque as it were.

Birthday Boy

Mazol Tov! Happy 68th Birthday to a great funny man, Mel Brooks. Mel is one of a selected few who has been able to take his work from one medium and focused it on another, i.e. The Producers. And he's starred, produced, written, and/or directed in films and on Broadway.

Birthday Girl

Happy 55th Birthday to ageless, French beauty, Isabelle Adjani. Isabelle has made some great drama and comedies.

Birthday Boy

Happy 40th Birthday to Sean Hayes of 'Will & Grace' fame. Currently on Broadway, Sean also directs and produces for television.

Birthday Girl

Happy 85th Birthday to June Lockhart. Here we see her on the phone as usual. Kewl phone though. She was also the mother on Lassie. What's that girl? Timmy's down in the well?

Sorry

I have been playing hooky from my blog for no reason or maybe I've forgotten I have a blog. It is nice to hear from 2 of my thousands of fans out there.

Actually I've been a little afraid to go out lately. This AIDSheimers is really beginning to stress me out. There are times when I go out and forget where I'm going. And I've been walking around in a daze kinda like seeing everything out of focus.

So I stay home and avoid all contact with the outside world. When I do go out I make a list of places to go and why I'm going. I also have some fun hallucinations plus I'm having dizzy spells and I just have to sit down and catch my breath and wait until the spinning stops.

And then when I do feel better, I get on-line and my tremors kick in, but when I start working, my hands start banging at the keyboard. Dr J did prescribe something he felt would stop the shakes and it worked, but it works for just a few hours. And now I'm getting involuntary movement all over. My head, legs, and arms all twitch on their own.

And so, I'm scared. Stay home, nobody will see it. And I haven't vomited since April. I look to the future and can't really anything because of the smog.

More later...

Birthday Boy

Happy 33rd Birthday to singer/song writer Jason Mraz. Mraz hails from VA and is mostly recognized in the adult/contemporary category.

Birthday Boy

Happy 31st Birthday to Jai Rodriguez of 'Queer Eye' fame. He's gay, hawt, out, and handsome.

Birthday Boy

Happy 28th Birthday to Prince William. Diana did a good job with both her boys. I chose this photo because it's BxW, shows off his stunning nose, and check out those kissable lips.

Birthday Boy

Happy 39th Birthday to major hawtie Josh Lucas. As far as I've seen, I do not think there exists a bad Lucas film, we're just too busy looking at him to wonder what the movie is all about. And check out those thighs, seksi!

Birthday Girl

Happy 48th Birthday to Paula Abdul. She had some great dance music in the 80's before she was a judge on American Idol. Idol is just not the same without her, and even more now that Simon has left also.

Birthday Boy

Happy 68th Birthday to Sir Paul McCartney who along with John Lennon wrote some of their generation's greatest music.

Birthday Boy

Happy 47th Birthday to Greg Kinnear. I think he got his start on cable television's 'Talk Soup' if I'm not mistaken. Nowadays he's on the big screen in comedies and dramas.

Mental Health Day/Ladies Luncheon

I went to see Dr K for my monthly visit today. She finally noticed the weight loss and I thanked her for that compliment. We talked about other things before I dropped my bomb. A month she said?

She's also been saying I should ask somebody to go with me to these appointments so I can have a second set of ears listening and asking questions. We shall see. Overall it was a good session and nice to have someone else to talk to about my problems.

I got an email from P13 asking me to lunch and I said sure, just say where. She brought R again and we walked over to the Lone Star Cafe on the Riverwalk. She read my blog so she knew what was going on. She wet noodled me.

At least when I go back I'll have a list of questions to ask. I'm planning on typing questions up, so if any of you who have been through this, please help me by asking questions in the comments field.

After lunch I said good-bye then took the trolly to the pharmacy then the library. Gurl had a busy day. I was ready for nap, but I was too tired to sleep, so I just sat in my recliner with my eyes closed.

More later...

Birthday Boy

Happy 48th Birthday to Arnold Vosloo, quite the charming mummy in two of The Mummy franchise. Do my eyes deceive me or does he not look 48? Either way, the man is hawt.

Results

I went to get the results of last week's surgery. Being quite the optimist, I told my doctor nothing's wrong, right? He said no, but I need to check you out today.

He said I was healing fine. Then he dropped the bomb. He said I have a cancer. A cancer. There are so many can you narrow it down. He said it was a skin cancer and I was instantly struck speechless.

He said he wanted to see me in a month. A month? All I can figure on this wait is that he's probably gonna talk to a dermatologist or oncologist to get more information. And that was that.

Now I have a month to let it sink in. Of course I came home and went to Webmd.com to get some information. There are three major forms of skin cancer, the one that jumped out at me was Kaposi Sarcoma which HIV patients get.

That's all I know for now. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Birthday Boy

Happy 37th Birthday to Neil Patrick Harris. We remember him as Doogie Houser, MD a generation ago. Nowadays he's on another sitcom as a womanizing bank executive. Not bad for being an out actor, and I think he deserves an Emmy for his acting on 'How I Met Your Mother.'

Birthday Boy

Happy 49th Birthday wishes to Her Royal Highness of the Culture Club. He did put out some good music for a while, he even made a film which might never see the light of day. Happy Day George.

Birthday Boy

Happy 29th Birthday to hawtie Chris Evans. Known mostly for his action packed films like the two Fantastic Four films, he's also done some rom-com and thrillers. So long as he shows off his hairy chest and that treasure trail, I'm happy.

Birthday Boy

Happy 32nd Birthday to comedic actor DJ Qualls. No one leaves the theatre depressed after watching a Qualls film. He's just too funny for words.

Birthday Boy

Happy 24th Birthday to hawt actor Shia LaBeouf. Chiflado actually found him attractive in his early work where he was usually a dorky character. But check out what became of that ugly duckling. Hawt, hawt, hawt.

Recuperating

Okay, I'm finally at a point where I can catch up with everyone out there. My procedure went okay. I walked to the hospital Monday and took my meds, a list of them, and my DNR, Living Will, and Power of Attorney. Everything's on file now at the hospital. The admissions clerk actually remembered me from my April operation.

The nurses were equally nice. They didn't even look at my meds, they looked at my list and updated what was in the system from April. They gave me a 'you poor thing' look when I told them I was there alone. Hey I'm a big boy, I can handle things on my own. I did ask them to call D when I was ready to go home.

Of course I don't remember the operation. The RN gave me a sedative that knocked me out quickly, I don't even remember being wheeled out. Next thing I knew I was in recovery. I just wanted to leave. They gave me crackers and a 7-Up to settle my stomach and to help the healing process.

D and her husband picked me up when I was ready. Turns out they were at another downtown hospital visiting her mother-in-law who was admitted with heart problems. They invited me to dinner because they hadn't eaten yet, but I just wanted to come home ASAP. I did ask them to take me to Mickey D's for a burger which was so good after my liquid diet. The nurses actually expected me to come home and have soup or jello. I'm not a fan of Mickey D's but that burger was the tastiest burger ever because of the liquid diet.

Tuesday morning I went to the pharmacy to get my script filled out for pain killers. I love this pill, it knocks me out, so I'm pretty much taking them at night. I'm not in much pain, just discomfort, Chiflado is very delicate and should be treated with kid gloves at all times. Tuesday was pretty much a blur as I just slept through most of it.

So that's about it. I'm almost back to normal, that is normal before the operation. I don't think I'll ever be normal like before HIV came my way.

Thanks for your support.

Birthday Boy

Happy 48th Birthday to hawt French actor Vincent Perez. Chiflado has seen a lot of his films and approves! He's also made it to Chez Schnozz.

Birthday Girl

Happy 29th Birthday to Natalie Portman who we remember as Queen Amidala in the first three Star Wars episodes. Chiflado thinks she's delivered Oscar worthy performances that got overlooked for some reason.

Birthday Boy

Happy 39th Birthday to Mark Feuerstein hot actor with a hot schnozz. He does mostly support work and Chiffie's loving the nose thing going.

Birthday Girl

Happy 55th Birthday to Sandra Bernhard, mostly known for her comedy, she's also done some film work and television. What few people know is she has a great singing voice as well which I've heard on some of her specials.

The Last Supper

We're three caballeros,
three gay caballeros,
and we are all birds of a feather...

Mess, HP, and I got together for lunch today. The three of us haven't been together since maybe April. I was thinking it but HP called it my Last Supper, since tomorrow I cleanse and Monday I go in for my procedure. I've decided it's a freckle, a mole, an ingrown hair, a pimple.

Like I blogged earlier, it's difficult for me to find restaurants with 'safe' foods I can tolerate. We settled on Chinese buffet because there would be something for everyone.

First thing to report is Mess's hearing. He has a wax problem that got out of control and his ears are all clogged up, so HP and I were screaming at him throughout lunch. Other than that he's looking pretty good.

HP was content with his sushi. We were all just so excited to be together again. I heard a little more about the camp out and they're already making plans for the September one and they're adamant that I should go, if only to gently nudge them to do karaoke. See what happens when the head nut isn't around?

Boy, I'm already starting to forget the whole affair and it was just a few hours ago. It's the AIDSheimers. Overall it was just nice to get to see two fabulous friends and not think of AIDS or Monday in my case.

Gall Bladder Update

Well, it got yanked out and all the stitches finally healed. Now I have to adjust my eating habits. Gone are spicy foods and fried foods. For some reason, everything I prepare at home turns my stomach, so I've been slowly cleaning out the fridge and cupboards. I mean even smelling a spice will give me a gag reflex.

I'm pretty much down to boiling pieces of chicken tenders and potatoes for lunch followed by my crackers and 7-Up dinners. I manage to eat at Sunday group and not have problems. I do okay with restaurant foods and buy sandwiches at the store that don't give me any problems.

The other biggest change is no vomiting. After over 40 years of vomiting I don't anymore. I feel like that's a major accomplishment.

My tummy is just more delicate now and I guzzle on my bottle of Maalox at least once a day. And I need to talk to my doctor about renewing my script for marinol, which really does work wonders for a bad tummy.

Birthday Boy

Happy 36th Birthday to out actor Chad Allen. Most of us remember him from 'Dr Quinn Medicine Woman,' but in 2005 he starred in some films for the here! network as Donald Strachey, a gay private detective in a monogamous relationship. And yes Chif has seen some of the films.

Birthday Boy

Happy 25th Birthday to the real winner of Dancing with the Stars! LOL. Hey, he isn't a professional dancer/singer and he came in second. I have another pic that I'm saving for a rainy day unless I get enough requests.

Birthday Boy

Happy 43rd Birthday to Silver Fox Anderson Cooper. Check out them biceps, hawt, hawt, hawt! And he's got a great sense of humour to boot. Gotta love da guy.

Ladies Luncheon

Went to lunch with Purple 13, haven't seen her in a few weeks. She brought co-worker R along and we met up at Blanco Cafe. I had the green enchiladas because they're a 'safe' food for me, my stomach can tolerate them, they're not spicy just tasty. P13 says I ordered them because I'm a creature of habit. The woman has known me for over 30 years. Oy vey!

Anyhoo, P13 had promised to sign my Living Will and Power of Attorney, which she did, thank you. Turns out R used to work for an attorney so she was familiar with the forms and volunteered to sign them as well which I thought was nice of her, considering I've only seen her three times. I guess I made a good impression.

Being the needy person that I am I also asked P13 to write out my rent check for me. My penmanship is just so bad because of the tremors, I can't read my writing sometimes. My niece B says it's my father's writing and he had a palsy.

P13 did say she could lose 25 lbs like I did and I said sure, just have a colonoscopy, have a gall bladder removed, and find a tumor. I did forget to mention my crackers and 7-Up diet. For dinner when my tum's in turmoil, I'll just eat some crackers and that will make me feel better. And nothing like a 7-Up, except a Big Red!

So overall I had a very productive day. I had emailed my case manager to set up an appointment to take care of these forms, but I called him when I got home and set that up. I also took my meds which I had meant to take before lunch, the important thing is that they be taken with food.

Whew! I was worn out. I lay down for a serious nap after all my adventures.

Mental Health Day

I went to see my psychiatrist today and he was surprised at the weight loss. It's only 25 lbs last time I weighed in, but the loss has been slow and even, it looks normal.

I told Dr J about my medical problems, I mean honey, I just jumped in with everything because I wanted to make the most of my time with him since I only see him quarterly. He was also surprised at all my surgeries. I'm really racking up frequent flyer miles here guys.

He did notice my tremors and gave me a script that might help, so cross your fingers.

Birthday Boy

Happy 32nd Birthday to Dominic Cooper. Loved him in 'Mamma Mia!' and he's really great in period pieces. The man can do it all and with abs like that, it's easy to see why!

Birthday Girl

Happy 37th Birthday to her Hawtness Heidi Klum. We love Heidi on Project Runway, auf weidersein.