The One That Got Away

I didn't mean to, but I fell in love 24 years ago.

I was sitting in the cafeteria one night and this guy stopped by and joined me for dinner. He sat down and we began talking. I found we had a lot in common as we laughed and talked.

Ernie was a cut up. I actually allowed him to give me a ride home the next morning. And so it started.

I'd be at work and I'd get a phone call and he would say he'd pick me up. He would  surprise me with a picnic. We'd go to a park and laugh and eat. We did a lot of laughing...and eating too.

He introduced me to his family and I became a fixture in his life. I was happy. I never felt like I belonged and here I felt whole for the first time in my life. He had a dinner for me one night where he introduced me to his friends. They all liked me of course.

I spent the night one time and we shared his bed. In the middle of the night I awoke to find him staring at me. Was I making it up? Was I dreaming? I just went back to sleep.

We went shopping one day and bought a tent and sleeping bags. He picked me up one day and drove to the coast where we pitched the tent and proceeded to enjoy the beach. We found some hazelnut coffee and made a great pot. We bought some shrimp and grilled them on his grill. Life was great.

We would go to employee banquets and we always put on a show. We would dress up and outdo the managers. Someone took a photo of us and I enlarged it and framed it and gave him a copy. We were so happy.

I never said anything. In my mind's eye he loved me back. But mum's the word. Why was I scared?

I lost track of him once upon a time, but I never forgot him. How could I? I went off on adventures but my heart was always here in San Antonio. I think I wrote him telling him how I felt but I never heard from him. I still haven't. We should talk sometime.

I came back and caught up with him again. Nothing's changed. I still love him. I have always been afraid of rejection, so I still haven't done anything. We see each other periodically and there's still that chemistry. I catch him looking at me but don't say anything.

He came over the other day to help me out with the computer. I hadn't seen him in over two years but he's still the handsomest, sweetest man I've ever met. The chemistry's still there and we talk as if we've never been apart.

Sometimes I think I should bring it up but I hesitate. I talked about him in therapy today. It felt good talking about him. Everything is good about him. I wish we could spend more time together but so much time has passed.

I hesitate because of rejection. I hesitate because I'm used garbage and infected garbage at that! I know relationships exist between positive and negative partners but I wouldn't put him through that. I didn't before when I was healthy, so why bother now?

Don't know when I'll see him again. We periodically go for Indian food because we're the only ones that like that cuisine. I hope I don't have to wait another two years to see him. I do want to talk to him when we get together. After 24 years...I still love the guy.

Just wanted to share.

Chiflaco out.