Frustrated

How often have I felt this. Why bother? I could stop taking my meds and wait for the Sandman.

I was on the phone today talking with everybody and it just frustrated the hell of me. What's the point? I'm nobody in a plethora of AIDS patients.

Plus I felt the depression slowly make a return appearance. Hello? It's here tonight and I don't know how this one will go. I did sleep through February, what's another month?

I spent the rest of the day crying and under the covers. I just want to get in a fetal position and let it do it's magic.

I will survive, but why?

Chiflado

Therapist Pt 2

I went to go see another therapist to see which of the two I would prefer.

I kinda like this therapist I saw today. He seemed more suited for me. And I would be able to see him once a week as opposed to yesterday's therapist and see her once a month.

I'm getting more bang for the buck with him. I'll see how things develop.

Chiflado out

Therapist

I got a new therapist today. I had to break her in. We talked a lot of things. Yes I'm depressed, but at least the meds help.

Don't know what I'd do without them. We talked about some wounds that I carry. I'm still shocked at the picture with Maya.

I just don't know the stranger in the mirror. It's still haunting me. I see the difference in the photos. I just do not look that sick. I guess it's part of AIDS.

The plus part is that my funeral is arranged. I'm just waiting to use this.

I do think about suicide a lot, now more than ever. I will not kill myself because I do not have the courage to follow through. And that depresses me even more.

But I move on.

Chiflado

Hulu

Yesterday I spent all day catching up on Glee. Yeah, I have no life.

Don't know what to do to get outta this mood. Yeah, the meds are the to even out my mind. I did an experiment and stayed away from the blog.

Also got to catch up on SMASH on NBC. This is a fun show the faggots are looking at right now. I'm a fan. Highly recommend this series.

Chiflado

Schlepping Pt 2

More walking. Yesterday I ran around all over the southside. I was the Energy Bunny.

Went to the bank and took care of a couple of things. Followed by the place for my physical therapy.

Had a salad and then on whim, I went to Wal-Mart. Bought a pair of jeans that actually fit. As luck would have it, I found a couple of other things.

This was at 5 p.m. Then went by the deli to get a sandwich I was in no way gonna cook. It was delicious.

Again I say, I am on disability and have problems
getting around. Long story short, I got home at 7 p.m. Then I took a nice long shower. I was ready for bed. Whew. The Energy Bunny was very tired.

Chiflado

Modern Family

I try to avoid stuff on the TV. I just do not want to get involved with any show. Well, I got into this one.

I get each season from the Library and it's also available in Netflix.

This show is hilarious. Don't know why I decided on this. Worth watching.

Chiflado

The Man in the Mirror

Okay, I've lost some weight. I can actually see my ribs. But I do have a spare tire. Is that correct?

So we went to visit Mom at the nursing home. She looks so different, I almost walked by her.

So there I was with her in her wheel chair. I walk with her some times. I asked Debra and Barbara to take a photos of us so that they can put it in Facebook.

When I saw us in the mirror, I could not recognize myself. I look so different. That's the man in the mirror. I just wonder what is next. In the mean time, I won't do anything for a time.

Chiflado

Schlepping

Yesterday was a busy day for me. Talk about the Energizer Bunny.

After breakfast, I went phone shopping. I lost my cell again, that's three this year. So I went to Sprint to check out the phones.

Typical me I went straight to the great phones, but like I'm gonna spend beaucoup d'argent. I got a lot of information.

So I found the one I wanted and of course they were out of stock. So I got on the Looper which goes around the city to South Park.

I finally found something to satisfy me. At least the buses were on schedule.

So now I have another phone to keep in touch with the world. I came home and added the phone numbers for everyone.

And I got to see my next purchase. Ever since this started, I have not been able to tie a shoe lace, it's just impossible so I gave all my fabulous shoes to a guy in group. He was happy.

I have to make due with a cheap pair from Wal-Mart. The shoes I want costs 99.00 which I don't have now but will next month.

I forgot where else I went, but I was fatigued and came home around 3,00 or thereabouts. And now that I'm happy for now, I had to lay down, but I didn't sleep. I was just too exhausted.

I also found the love seat I want. I have the futon but it takes so much space. I'm gonna Craig's List things I have to get rid off. The glass pub table with matching seats. And I'm getting rid of my Sponge Bob collection. Ouch. But I need the moolah.

Layter Gayter. Chiflado

Appetite

Can't explain the loss of appetite for me. I'm just not hungry. I'm down to cawfee for breakfast and
a danish or bagel and a bagel  for dinner. Lunch is usually rabbit food, salad.

I know I should be eating more, but I'm just not hungry. I'm getting to the point that I will eat when I get hungry.

I cheated and had chilaquiles for breakfast and a salad around six or so. I wasn't hungry but knew I had to eat something because of the meds.

Chiflado out.

Joel

Yesterday would have been Joel's 52nd birthday. He was my high school sweetheart. We were friends and then we were lovers. We wound up as great friends.

I remember how we cried when he found out he's HIV positive. All I have are memories of him. We had our differences but we would always come back to us.

Joel died of AIDS back in 2002 or around that time. I kinda wanted to get together and live our lives together. But the Grim Reaper came and took him from me.

I was in Michigan when he passed. His partner wrote me about it and we picked clothes for him to wear. I also gave him a heads up on his favourite music.

I was unable to come to SA to say good-byes because Steve wouldn't let me go. Creep.

I miss him still.

Chiflado

Mad Money

So I'm looking at my acount and I have some money. I wonder where, but then I remembered that I slept most of February. Which meant not as much groceries as usual.

That means I can do something fun for me. Since I have extra moola, I will do something for me. I kinda have an idea what I want, but I'll know for sure shortly.

Chiflaco

PS. Mess gave me that nickname. Chiflado plus weight loss, he combined Chiflad plus flaco for the weight loss equals Chiflaco.

Dr's Visit

That time of the year. All my organs are okay and I lost 10 lbs, fabulous. Got to say hello to Jeannie the nutritionist. She worries for me.

Also got my tetanus shot. Love how they treat me at the clinic. They keep me up to date for everything.

Almost forgot. I got 10 more t-cells up to 114, up from 104. That's a slight hurrah.

Chiflado out.

Over?

I wonder if it's over. Yesterday and so far, today, I have not napped. Today I actually did not nap this morning. I have a doctor's appointment. We'll see what my labs say.

Also, HP is doing great. He sounds a whole lot better. He's in Kerrville at his parent's home. Say a prayer for him.

Chiflaco

Diet

No I'm not on a diet per se. The weight keeps on coming off on it's own.

Right now I'm having cawfee and a danish for breakfast. Lunch is usually a chicken salad and dinner is a bagel or something light.

That's what I eat at home. I do pig out when I'm at a restaurant or buffet.

And the weight comes off. I do think about wasting, but I would think it would come off quicker. I do have an appointment with my nutritionist Wednesday for my official weigh in. She is worried that I'm losing weight fast.

Today I only had breakfast and lunch. I'm not usually hungry at dinner time but I do have a bagel or toast.

I just know that I like the weight disappearing. What I like about it is that it makes me look younger. I was talking to someone the other day and he thought I was in my 30's. He just might get a lucky thank you from me.

Chiffie out.

Again

This is an again for me and Hush Puppy.

Just when things were going great, I fell down again. I was walking across a parking lot when I fell landing on my knees. The left knee is almost the same as when I fell before. I got a scrape on my right knee that really hurts.

HP's again. He's in the hospital again. This time it's an abscess in his right foot. Poor baby, and I haven't been able to go visit because of my sleeping and dizzy spells.

And it's off to La La Land for this sicko.

Chiflado

Sleeping

A few weeks ago, I was getting up from the futon and Jean Luc ran in front of me and I lost my balance and ended up on my stomach.

I felt okay but two days later I felt the pain. And then the sleeping started. I get my 8 hours but I was sleeping 6 or more hours. And that's been my schedule ever since.

I wake up have cawfee and go back to sleep. Then I wake up have something to eat and it's back to sleeping.

I haven't even checked email or updated this blog. I'm still sleeping a lot. Although today I had a little energy, so I'm hoping it's over and done with by now.

Chiffie out.

Fatigued

I had a lot of running around the past three days. It caught up with me yesterday. I lay down for a nap at  2 p.m. and woke up at 6 p.m. I didn't know just how tired I was.

Yesterday's nap was much needed. My body telling me that I need to slow down.

And then today I was full of energy and swept, mopped, vacuumed, and scrubbed the tub. I was a busy bee.

I'm tired again and will take it slower.

Chiffie out.

Jeans

Last Friday I went to Wal-Mart to see if I could find a pair of jeans that fit. As luck would have it, I forgot which pair fit right. So I took a pair home. Of course this did not fit.

I went Saturday to return these and find one that fits. I found three pairs and tried them on. Really I stopped looking as I tried one that fit.

I was happy at long last. I've been wearing sweats for the past two years. Monday Moi and HP got together and he asked about the jeans.

I got let down when they started to fall down. I figured that maybe if I wash them the would shrink some. They did but only a little. I guess I'll wear these until I drop another pant size. 

Chiflado

Co-Pays

Who knew there was so much work for a person with disability? It's a lot of work to keep tabs on things.

Today I went to an agency and updated my file. It looks like they will help out with my co-pays. I made the mistake of following directions. There are co-pays for medicine and another for appointments.

I followed everything only to find out that this particular agency only handles co-pays for meds.
Today they said they can handle co-pays for meds and for appointments. Wish they can make up their minds.

I don't work anymore and I have to keep tabs on what is going on with me. I don't know if I can count on this agency.

Tuesday I went to another agency who will pay for my appointments. Hopefully they will help me after all.

Chiff out.

Again?

Just when it was safe to go in, I fell on my fat ass. It was Friday. I had just taken my trash to the dumpster.

I was wearing my tongs and the left side got stuck in the door. So there I was looking at me fall down from a distance again.

Chiffie out.