Great News

Well, looks like I survived another holiday. Whoever decided to put all these holidays at the same time of year has a sadistic sense of humour. I managed to avoid all the movies and carols. It’s just another day of the year as far as I’m concerned.

Just got back from the doctor’s with some good news, apparently my new cocktail is working because my t-cell count went up. Before Mess says anything, I don’t mean that kind of cocktail, although I could always use a good Hush Puppy. While it’s not much to some of us, my t-cell count is now 150. I’m also still undetectable.

Also great news is everything else is okay, my liver, blood pressure, I even lost some weight. Guess I can pat myself on the back. I’m obviously doing something right. An overall great doctor’s visit except I forgot to get my H1N1 flu shot but I can always get that another day.

Catching Up

Lately each day has been the same, there is no difference between Sunday and Wednesday. I did have my blood drawn one day and I saw my analyst another day. I really didn’t have much to talk about since I’ve been avoiding the holidays plus the fact that I’m sitting on some potential great news and I’ll blog that when it happens.

Hush Puppy rented a car over the weekend to do some last minute shopping. Since he got t-boned in June he’s been on the bus as well. He came by and picked me up Saturday for dinner. We went to Chopstix for the Chinese buffet. Then we went to his place where we each had a Hush Puppy. It was a nice break in my routine and I got to visit with my cherished friend.

Against my better judgment, I went to Sunday group. Ringo went out of his way and ordered food from Luby’s and I didn’t want to disappoint him. Everything was okay but they decided to have a gift exchange and that threw me off. Chiflado is not one for gifts, especially when they are forced on him.

I did renew my lease yesterday and my rent went up $10 which is okay considering the location and the fact that all utilities are paid. And here we are, days away from one of the dreaded days of the year.

Hopefully the new year will be better for Chiflado.

Nothing going on

Sorry I haven’t blogged anything lately. There’s just nothing going on. My life is on auto pilot and everything else is on auto also.

I did go see my analyst Wednesday, but I’ve been in such a good mood it was almost a waste of time. Still talking about my sister’s death. Alright, it’s 22 years, let it go, I know. Easier said than done.

Just spoke to Mess and he’s the one that told me I haven’t updated my blog. Guess no news is good news. Hush Puppy invited us to dinner tomorrow night, but Mess has plans with his sister. I’ll see him Sunday at group.

I’ve been lucky in avoiding the holiday farce. I have received some cards but who cares? Just another day I say to myself. And it’s that attitude that’s been helping me out. The dreaded day is a week away it just sneaks up on one, and then it’s a whole new year, another year of auto pilot.

Beating the Blues

Doncha just hate this time of year? It’s a depressing time of year to begin with and then Hallmark throws in all these special days. I wonder if they have an Our Lady of Guadalupe card?

And the weather certainly hasn’t helped much. Okay it’s not as bad as Michigan and I don’t have to shovel snow, but it’s been steadily cooler than average. Today is a dreary day so far and I got my errands out of the way early. Like I have such a busy schedule.

For some reason, I have been winning the battle against the blues. Luckily I haven’t heard a single carol as of yet, the closest I’ve gotten is Greensleeves or The Dance of the Flowers on my Parisian jazz station.

I refuse to focus on the holidays and I guess I’m on a good combination of drugs that’s keeping the beast at bay. It’s just another day I keep telling myself.

The Alameda

Date: Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Time: 7:00 - 9:00 P.M.
Location: the Museo Alameda
Proyectos Gallery
101 S. Santa Rosa, San Antonio TX 78215

Alex Sanchez

I just finished reading the latest Alex Sanchez novel, Bait. Alex Sanchez is a gay author out of Mexico who’s written books for young adults based on gay themes. He has even won a Lambda Award for one of his books.

I did enjoy the Rainbow Boys trilogy and recommend them but they do have to be read in order. He’s also written books about coming out and being gay and Christian and some of his books contain gay resources for teens.

For more info: http://www.alexsanchez.com/

Tortilla Soup

Thursday was a busy day for me. I went to the pharmacy and the library. I had to pick up the next Percy Jackson book for Purple 13, I got her hooked on the series. They’re really a fun read and the movie comes out in February, we saw the trailer when we went last week to see New Moon.

I was gonna take her the book, she works walking distance from me, but she suggested lunch and I’m not one to turn down a free meal. She was in the mood for tortilla soup and Blanco Café has one of the best in town. She also had cawfee and I had to smell her cup.

I had the green enchiladas and she said I’m so predictable. Hey everything at Blanco is great and I happen to like green eggs and ham and I would eat them in a box and I would eat them with a fox…

Mental Health Day

I don’t think this has ever happened to me. I had appointments with my psychiatrist and my analyst today.

Still talking about depression and suicide. Also brought up my sister’s death that I cannot let go of. I don’t know what she would think of my mourning. She was so vivacious and full of life and I remember laughing a lot with her. So I honour her by laughing is one thing I got out of today.

The other thing is quite the Mexican thing, I have a votive candle lit every day in her memory. And it’s the same kind of candle she used to light in her home. Of course I go to the cemetery periodically to visit and talk and clear my head.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, my zipper broke on my jacket so I’m gonna have to get a new one. If it’s not one thing it’s another.

Sunday Outing

Sunday’s usually one of my library days so I went to pick up what I had on hold. A new movie, two foreign films, and a rom-com with Ewan McGregor I know I’m gonna have to like.

Hush Puppy rang me up and invited me to dinner. He had just come back from the holidays with the folks. Of course I can never refuse Hush Puppy and he picked me up and we went to a Chinese restaurant in the Medical Centre.

The food was great as was the company. We laughed and talked about things and not once did we talk of AIDS. It’s just nice to avoid the subject once in a while.

I’m a simple man. It was nice to break my routine for one day. I highly recommend it, but find your own Hush Puppy.

Just Another Day

Boy I got lucky today. Chiflado has not been one for holidays from way back. Too stressful all around. But I can say this was one of my favourite holidays to date.

Purple 13 and I went to go see New Moon. She hadn’t seen it and I’m one to see shirtless hotties again and I’ll probably see it again sometime soon. Of course she liked the cliff hanger ending and we have to wait until 30 June to see the next installment.

We had planned on lunching at La Margarita but it was closed. So we went to the granddaddy of Mexican restaurants in town, Mi Tierra’s, http://www.mitierracafe.com/ it’s owned by the same family and the menu is just about the same. She had flautas and I had chicken mole enchiladas and they were swimming in mole sauce. Chiflado loves mole and can make a mean batch to boot.

That was my stress-free day. I hope everybody had a great day today. And you know, you don’t need a day to be thankful, I’m thankful all the time and I thank people I know by saying three simple words, I love you. And if you’re extra lucky you get a hug out of me.

Angst

So I woke up today full of energy and euphoria because of a great film and play. I finally went to the store this morning and had a wonderful lunch.

Mess rang me up and asked if I was going to our support group today, I’ve been avoiding it for the past few weeks because of my depression. I told him I didn’t know yet. I hadn’t planned on going, I just haven’t felt part of the group for some time now.

So I took a nap and was awakened by Hush Puppy leaving a message on my machine to go to group. We hadn’t seen each other in almost a month and since he was making chicken pot pie, I kinda felt obligated to go.

So I’m walking to the bus stop when I see the bank sign flashing today’s date, November 22, 2009. Sure it’s another day, but it’s also the day my sister died and the flood of memories surged to haunt me and bring me down. I should have walked home after that. But something made me go anyway.

The group’s dynamics have changed a lot and I just wanted to leave. Hush Puppy asked how I was doing and I told him I wanted to go home and looked at the clock and said its closer to leaving though. Time just dragged very slowly for me.

I had told Hush Puppy I was gonna quit the group for a few months anyway. It’s not like I’m an essential part of the group. I’m not getting the support out of it also, so why bother?

Hey sometimes I have to be selfish and take care of Chiflado. So I’m gonna lay low again for a few more weeks or months.

New Moon

B rang me up and asked if I wanted to see New Moon with her, her husband is not into such films. Hell yeah I’ll go. She bought the tickets Thursday so we’d avoid lines on Friday. We know how to plan ahead.

The movie is phenomenal, it followed the book closely. Edward decides to leave Forks because he thinks he’s a danger to Bella. Bella soon finds out that she can see and hear Edward when she’s getting an adrenaline rush.

Her friendship with Jacob evolves as they fix a pair of motorcycles. He’s her best friend but he has a crush on her. She sees Edward from time to time when she does all these stupid things.

We soon find out that Jacob has become a werewolf and has hooked up with the rest of the guys that are werewolves. Their job is to kill vampires but Jacob’s main concern is to protect her from the rogue vampires Laurent and Victoria. They manage to kill Laurent but Victoria escapes.

Bella goes to the cliffs where the wolf pack dive for fun and she jumps and sees Edward. Jacob rescues her and takes her home where Alice, Edward’s sister is waiting. She had seen Bella jumping and came to check up on her.

The phone rings and Jacob says Bella’s father’s gone to a funeral. It was Edward calling to check up on Bella and he assumes the worst. He flies of to Italy in search of the Volturi, a coven of vampires that oversee the vampire world. He wants them to kill him because he cannot go on without Bella.

They turn down his request because of his powers and ask him to join them. He decides to make a scene forcing them to kill him. At the same time Alice and Bella are on their way to stop him.

I highly enjoyed the film but I felt there was something lacking from the first one. I think they chose the wrong director, Chris Weitz who directed American Pie. Gone was the rainy Forks that added so much atmosphere to Twilight, instead we are given a sunny and bright Forks.

I still highly recommend this just because I so loved the books and it does leave you with a cliff hanger.

Las Nuevas Tamaleras

I took Mess to see a local production of Las Nuevas Tamaleras, a funny play about three modern Latinas trying to make tamales. Of course they’re clueless about the whole procedure.

So one of them lights a votive candle for assistance. They get help via the spirits of two older Latinas who give us the voice of reason and experience. Together they manage to make some tamales.

Very worth seeing and will be showing at the Guadalupe Cultural Arts Centre in November and December. http://tamaleras.com/

Out and About

I haven’t written anything lately because there’s nothing new to blog. No doctor’s appointments, no emergencies, nada. I’m still in a solitary mood. Still depressed, it’s just that time of year.

B rang me up and asked for my chauffeur’s expertise today. I should mention I do not have a car so she picks me up and I jump in the driver’s seat and we’re off. We ran some errands and she treated me to lunch.

Next to the Alameda Theatre is the Alameda Restaurant, a nice little hole in the wall open only during the week. She likes to go for the puffy tacos which are good. I played it safe and had a carne guisada burrito and it was delectable.

That’s it folks. I’ve been napping a lot probably due to the depression, but it does leave me refreshed.

Garbo's Day Out

Garbo actually left his apartment today. Thursday’s is my usual pharmacy day and then I stopped at the library to pick up a book that I hope will interest me.

Then it was off to La Margarita for a Centro luncheon. The topic was AIDS in older folks. Oy. And I actually fell into the category, it was age 50 and up. A lot of the information is redundant, I didn’t learn anything new. Lunch was great and quite filling. I decided not to have dinner I was so full. But I have to take my meds with food so I heated up a biscuit.

I also rang up Purple 13 to see if she was at work. She’d been out sick a couple of days. I got her hooked on the Percy Jackson novels I blogged about and being the nice person that I am, I checked it out and delivered it in person. What a friend! And quite modest I must admit.

I was back home by 1 p.m. and took a nap after my exciting day out.

La Margarita

After the Museo, we were hungry for Mexican of course. We went around the corner to La Margarita http://www.lamargarita.com/ and the weather was so nice we sat outside and watched tourists going by.

Mess had the Acapulco Enchiladas which were 2 Enchiladas filled with Sauteed shrimp, crab & fish, topped with a delicate Marisco sauce, shrimp, scallops and Monterrey Jack cheese, Acapulco white rice, frijoles a la charra, salad and bolillos

I had mole enchiladas which are chicken enchiladas topped with Mexican cheese and mole sauce, rice and beans, and guacamole in a taco shell. And Chiflado will say that the mole was scrumptious.

We sat and talked and visited like we hadn’t seen each other in years. Hey, Mess got Garbo out of the house so you gotta give him credit. It was better than having tuna fish or ramen noodles!

Museo Alameda

Mess and I have been planning this for a while and it fell into place today. We went to the Museo Alameda http://www.thealameda.org/. I found out that Tuesdays is free admission and there was an exhibit on local artist Jesse Trevino we wanted to see.

The exhibit was great, there were some paintings I recognized immediately, but there were some I had never seen before which interested me a little bit more. Hanging there was the painting of the Alameda Theatre I blogged about earlier.

The other exhibit was photographs of Frida Kahlo that I found a bit disappointing. There was also some of her correspondence as well.

But do go especially for the Trevino exhibit.

Still Blue

It’s so weird being depressed when I look out the window and see beautiful blue skies. But such is my existence. Seems nothing works to lift my spirits. I have DVDs to watch but they don’t interest me much.

The only thing that I seem to tolerate is the Parisian jazz station I have as a link. They play such a variety that I never get bored. I’ve heard American artists singing songs I’ve never heard in the states before. Plus I get to hear Parisian French and I’m reminded that my French is not as great as it used to be, but just listening to it lifts my spirits a bit.

Sometimes I wonder if my psych meds work, but I’m not about to stop taking them! I envy people like Hush Puppy who seems to have it together. I’ve never seen him break down. He’s been hospitalized several times through the years but he seems okay about it all. And he works, so I guess that keeps his mind on other things.

But I’ll continue to reside in my isolation tower. It seems to be working so far for me.

Garboesque

Periodically when I see my counselor I have to fill out a form on my mental state. There’s a statement to the effect that I think the world would be better without me. Of course I always check that box.

Lots of times I feel like I don’t fit in as well. And I have to put on my façade and pretend like everything’s just fine. Well it’s not.

And I allow obnoxious people to get to me. Their mere presence in the room puts me in a fowl mood. I’ve avoided support groups because there is a negative influence in the group that manages to get me down no matter how much I ignore them.

So the best solution is to stay away. I will be Garboesque and stay to myself. Besides sometimes I feel like I can’t talk to people. I’ve become quite the introverted wallflower, but that started with a bad relationship in the 90’s. But that’s another story.

For now, I Vant to be alone.

Counselor's Visit

I saw my counselor today. I talked about all that’s going on like usual. She hadn’t read my blog so I filled her in on everything.

We also talked about the holidays. Chiflado does not do holidays as some of you may already know. Plus I take this time of year more to heart because my sister was hospitalized and died.

Okay it was 22 years ago, but Chiflado has a heart and my sister was my everything. She was always there for me and I could talk about anything to her. She was my best friend, mother, confidante, everything. And to have a life taken away at such an early age, she was 47, just didn’t make sense. Neither did the fact that she died in my arms.

I try not to think about it, but it happens every year. There are many days coming up that I will cry for no reason. But it’s a memory locked in storage that makes its way out of its Pandora’s Box.

I have a feeling of isolation and/or depression coming on. Hush Puppy’s noticed something’s not right with me already.

My counselor did ask if I was depressed. And I said there are several layers of depression and I am in a level. She suggested volunteering but I do not want to be around people. There are times when one needs to be alone and I need to be alone.