Sunday Outing

Sunday’s usually one of my library days so I went to pick up what I had on hold. A new movie, two foreign films, and a rom-com with Ewan McGregor I know I’m gonna have to like.

Hush Puppy rang me up and invited me to dinner. He had just come back from the holidays with the folks. Of course I can never refuse Hush Puppy and he picked me up and we went to a Chinese restaurant in the Medical Centre.

The food was great as was the company. We laughed and talked about things and not once did we talk of AIDS. It’s just nice to avoid the subject once in a while.

I’m a simple man. It was nice to break my routine for one day. I highly recommend it, but find your own Hush Puppy.

Just Another Day

Boy I got lucky today. Chiflado has not been one for holidays from way back. Too stressful all around. But I can say this was one of my favourite holidays to date.

Purple 13 and I went to go see New Moon. She hadn’t seen it and I’m one to see shirtless hotties again and I’ll probably see it again sometime soon. Of course she liked the cliff hanger ending and we have to wait until 30 June to see the next installment.

We had planned on lunching at La Margarita but it was closed. So we went to the granddaddy of Mexican restaurants in town, Mi Tierra’s, http://www.mitierracafe.com/ it’s owned by the same family and the menu is just about the same. She had flautas and I had chicken mole enchiladas and they were swimming in mole sauce. Chiflado loves mole and can make a mean batch to boot.

That was my stress-free day. I hope everybody had a great day today. And you know, you don’t need a day to be thankful, I’m thankful all the time and I thank people I know by saying three simple words, I love you. And if you’re extra lucky you get a hug out of me.

Angst

So I woke up today full of energy and euphoria because of a great film and play. I finally went to the store this morning and had a wonderful lunch.

Mess rang me up and asked if I was going to our support group today, I’ve been avoiding it for the past few weeks because of my depression. I told him I didn’t know yet. I hadn’t planned on going, I just haven’t felt part of the group for some time now.

So I took a nap and was awakened by Hush Puppy leaving a message on my machine to go to group. We hadn’t seen each other in almost a month and since he was making chicken pot pie, I kinda felt obligated to go.

So I’m walking to the bus stop when I see the bank sign flashing today’s date, November 22, 2009. Sure it’s another day, but it’s also the day my sister died and the flood of memories surged to haunt me and bring me down. I should have walked home after that. But something made me go anyway.

The group’s dynamics have changed a lot and I just wanted to leave. Hush Puppy asked how I was doing and I told him I wanted to go home and looked at the clock and said its closer to leaving though. Time just dragged very slowly for me.

I had told Hush Puppy I was gonna quit the group for a few months anyway. It’s not like I’m an essential part of the group. I’m not getting the support out of it also, so why bother?

Hey sometimes I have to be selfish and take care of Chiflado. So I’m gonna lay low again for a few more weeks or months.

New Moon

B rang me up and asked if I wanted to see New Moon with her, her husband is not into such films. Hell yeah I’ll go. She bought the tickets Thursday so we’d avoid lines on Friday. We know how to plan ahead.

The movie is phenomenal, it followed the book closely. Edward decides to leave Forks because he thinks he’s a danger to Bella. Bella soon finds out that she can see and hear Edward when she’s getting an adrenaline rush.

Her friendship with Jacob evolves as they fix a pair of motorcycles. He’s her best friend but he has a crush on her. She sees Edward from time to time when she does all these stupid things.

We soon find out that Jacob has become a werewolf and has hooked up with the rest of the guys that are werewolves. Their job is to kill vampires but Jacob’s main concern is to protect her from the rogue vampires Laurent and Victoria. They manage to kill Laurent but Victoria escapes.

Bella goes to the cliffs where the wolf pack dive for fun and she jumps and sees Edward. Jacob rescues her and takes her home where Alice, Edward’s sister is waiting. She had seen Bella jumping and came to check up on her.

The phone rings and Jacob says Bella’s father’s gone to a funeral. It was Edward calling to check up on Bella and he assumes the worst. He flies of to Italy in search of the Volturi, a coven of vampires that oversee the vampire world. He wants them to kill him because he cannot go on without Bella.

They turn down his request because of his powers and ask him to join them. He decides to make a scene forcing them to kill him. At the same time Alice and Bella are on their way to stop him.

I highly enjoyed the film but I felt there was something lacking from the first one. I think they chose the wrong director, Chris Weitz who directed American Pie. Gone was the rainy Forks that added so much atmosphere to Twilight, instead we are given a sunny and bright Forks.

I still highly recommend this just because I so loved the books and it does leave you with a cliff hanger.

Las Nuevas Tamaleras

I took Mess to see a local production of Las Nuevas Tamaleras, a funny play about three modern Latinas trying to make tamales. Of course they’re clueless about the whole procedure.

So one of them lights a votive candle for assistance. They get help via the spirits of two older Latinas who give us the voice of reason and experience. Together they manage to make some tamales.

Very worth seeing and will be showing at the Guadalupe Cultural Arts Centre in November and December. http://tamaleras.com/

Out and About

I haven’t written anything lately because there’s nothing new to blog. No doctor’s appointments, no emergencies, nada. I’m still in a solitary mood. Still depressed, it’s just that time of year.

B rang me up and asked for my chauffeur’s expertise today. I should mention I do not have a car so she picks me up and I jump in the driver’s seat and we’re off. We ran some errands and she treated me to lunch.

Next to the Alameda Theatre is the Alameda Restaurant, a nice little hole in the wall open only during the week. She likes to go for the puffy tacos which are good. I played it safe and had a carne guisada burrito and it was delectable.

That’s it folks. I’ve been napping a lot probably due to the depression, but it does leave me refreshed.

Garbo's Day Out

Garbo actually left his apartment today. Thursday’s is my usual pharmacy day and then I stopped at the library to pick up a book that I hope will interest me.

Then it was off to La Margarita for a Centro luncheon. The topic was AIDS in older folks. Oy. And I actually fell into the category, it was age 50 and up. A lot of the information is redundant, I didn’t learn anything new. Lunch was great and quite filling. I decided not to have dinner I was so full. But I have to take my meds with food so I heated up a biscuit.

I also rang up Purple 13 to see if she was at work. She’d been out sick a couple of days. I got her hooked on the Percy Jackson novels I blogged about and being the nice person that I am, I checked it out and delivered it in person. What a friend! And quite modest I must admit.

I was back home by 1 p.m. and took a nap after my exciting day out.

La Margarita

After the Museo, we were hungry for Mexican of course. We went around the corner to La Margarita http://www.lamargarita.com/ and the weather was so nice we sat outside and watched tourists going by.

Mess had the Acapulco Enchiladas which were 2 Enchiladas filled with Sauteed shrimp, crab & fish, topped with a delicate Marisco sauce, shrimp, scallops and Monterrey Jack cheese, Acapulco white rice, frijoles a la charra, salad and bolillos

I had mole enchiladas which are chicken enchiladas topped with Mexican cheese and mole sauce, rice and beans, and guacamole in a taco shell. And Chiflado will say that the mole was scrumptious.

We sat and talked and visited like we hadn’t seen each other in years. Hey, Mess got Garbo out of the house so you gotta give him credit. It was better than having tuna fish or ramen noodles!

Museo Alameda

Mess and I have been planning this for a while and it fell into place today. We went to the Museo Alameda http://www.thealameda.org/. I found out that Tuesdays is free admission and there was an exhibit on local artist Jesse Trevino we wanted to see.

The exhibit was great, there were some paintings I recognized immediately, but there were some I had never seen before which interested me a little bit more. Hanging there was the painting of the Alameda Theatre I blogged about earlier.

The other exhibit was photographs of Frida Kahlo that I found a bit disappointing. There was also some of her correspondence as well.

But do go especially for the Trevino exhibit.

Still Blue

It’s so weird being depressed when I look out the window and see beautiful blue skies. But such is my existence. Seems nothing works to lift my spirits. I have DVDs to watch but they don’t interest me much.

The only thing that I seem to tolerate is the Parisian jazz station I have as a link. They play such a variety that I never get bored. I’ve heard American artists singing songs I’ve never heard in the states before. Plus I get to hear Parisian French and I’m reminded that my French is not as great as it used to be, but just listening to it lifts my spirits a bit.

Sometimes I wonder if my psych meds work, but I’m not about to stop taking them! I envy people like Hush Puppy who seems to have it together. I’ve never seen him break down. He’s been hospitalized several times through the years but he seems okay about it all. And he works, so I guess that keeps his mind on other things.

But I’ll continue to reside in my isolation tower. It seems to be working so far for me.

Garboesque

Periodically when I see my counselor I have to fill out a form on my mental state. There’s a statement to the effect that I think the world would be better without me. Of course I always check that box.

Lots of times I feel like I don’t fit in as well. And I have to put on my façade and pretend like everything’s just fine. Well it’s not.

And I allow obnoxious people to get to me. Their mere presence in the room puts me in a fowl mood. I’ve avoided support groups because there is a negative influence in the group that manages to get me down no matter how much I ignore them.

So the best solution is to stay away. I will be Garboesque and stay to myself. Besides sometimes I feel like I can’t talk to people. I’ve become quite the introverted wallflower, but that started with a bad relationship in the 90’s. But that’s another story.

For now, I Vant to be alone.

Counselor's Visit

I saw my counselor today. I talked about all that’s going on like usual. She hadn’t read my blog so I filled her in on everything.

We also talked about the holidays. Chiflado does not do holidays as some of you may already know. Plus I take this time of year more to heart because my sister was hospitalized and died.

Okay it was 22 years ago, but Chiflado has a heart and my sister was my everything. She was always there for me and I could talk about anything to her. She was my best friend, mother, confidante, everything. And to have a life taken away at such an early age, she was 47, just didn’t make sense. Neither did the fact that she died in my arms.

I try not to think about it, but it happens every year. There are many days coming up that I will cry for no reason. But it’s a memory locked in storage that makes its way out of its Pandora’s Box.

I have a feeling of isolation and/or depression coming on. Hush Puppy’s noticed something’s not right with me already.

My counselor did ask if I was depressed. And I said there are several layers of depression and I am in a level. She suggested volunteering but I do not want to be around people. There are times when one needs to be alone and I need to be alone.

So far, so good

Okay, I’ve only been on this new cocktail for three days and so far I have had no adverse reactions. One hears horror stories about changing meds.

I played wonderful uncle today. B rang me up last night to see if I’d be her chaperone, but she really meant chauffer. Her son had an appointment at the Medical Centre and since I’m the brave one that will go anywhere, I said yes.

She left a message on my machine to ring her later. I called and said What do you want? Where are you going? And When? We have that kind of relationship, but then again, I have that kind of relationship with all my Homies.

People look at the Medical Centre as a town in its own right. I constantly hear people not finding their way around even after years of going to the same building. Oy. Nice to be appreciated and Chiflado got a Halloween goodie bag out of it to boot.

Shell Shock

I’m still in shock and feel a depression lurking over this HOPWA situation. I wish I could let it go but it’s like gum on a shoe. I have $15.40 and according to their formula I should have over $300 enabling me ‘to transition off HOPWA.’ What a form letter.

And then there’s the lack of empathy from my case manager. He’s there to help me out but I guess he’s also there to listen to the director and not give us any hope. And I’m not about to write a brown nose letter to that person.

And then there’s the lack of professionalism when I was asked if I was going to be back next month by the receptionist. That zinger got to me as well. It was like a bubble in a comic strip you get to read over and over again.

The good news is I get to see my counselor this week. We do get to work out issues but also manage to talk about other things to take my mind away from whatever is festering in me.

Looks like the trick was on me this year, huh? Think positive, because I am positive! Inhale, exhale, calm down relax, I know the routine.

Out Again

Hush Puppy and I got together after he got off work. We visited here for a while before heading out. And wasn’t it a Chiflado Day, gorgeous, just gorgeous. We went the Delivery Market for a late lunch. See why I’m called Chiflado?

Of course it never fails. We sat down and were chatting while our order was prepared. Next to us, of all the empty tables around us mind you, plopped two ladies with twin monsters. Now, Chiflado likes children don’t get me wrong, but these two were so out of control and were just too much for the two women. They finally left with their food to go and apologized to everyone in the store.

I forgot it’s Halloween, there were a lot of people in costume downtown. That and tourists for a Notre Dame football game. I don’t know which were funnier to stare at.

We came back and visited a while longer before I walked Hush Puppy to the bus stop; I have to look out after my baby sister.

Happy Halloween!

Out and About

Mess rang me up today also. He said it was a beautiful day and that I should get out. I did not tell him of my lunch plans, but I did say I was going out.

After lunch, I went to pick up my last HOPWA check. It was a weird experience because it’s been part of my routine for so long. She said it was nice working with me. I told her I’d think of them in my suicide note and left.

As I was leaving, the receptionist asked if she’d be seeing me next month, like she already knew that was my last check. I told her no but as I started walking to the bus stop I wondered if the whole agency knew it was my last check. You know how people talk and it upset me a little bit, but what can I do?

I know all about burning bridges and I’m not about to raise a stink because I can always reapply for HOPWA next year. I guess the bright side is I don’t have to jump through their hoops, that’s one bit of stress I can delete from my routine.

Now I have the stress of waiting to hear from housing. I’m still on their list and my complex does accept housing vouchers. Keep me in your prayers and light a candle for me please.

Mexican Manhattan

Purple 13 rang me up and invited me to lunch today. She works downtown so we get to have a ladies lunch periodically. Plus I wanted to gossip about something I might write about down the road.

We went to the Mexican Manhattan. Some people like it and some people don’t, we like it and not just for the hottie waiter! The food they serve is like Mamacita makes and the portions are generous. It was a late lunch so that was it for Chiflado for the day.

Chiflado had the Manhattan Dinner which is a guacamole salad, two beef enchiladas, rice and beans and the tortillas are home made. The Manhattan is practically hidden in the middle of boarded up businesses and has been there for decades. Here is their website: http://www.mexicanmanhattan.com/

New Meds

Just got back from the pharmacy. Remember we’re trying something more aggressive to boost my CD-4 count. Instead of 13 pills a day, I’m up to 15 a day.

We eliminated Atripla for Truvada, Reyataz and Norvir, the bright side being I only take them once a day also. They’ll be part of my Saturday routine of pill sorting. I’m quite excited about this and I hope the sarcasm comes through loud and clear.

I’ve been on a downer for a while now. I try not to let things overwhelm me but they sneak up on me and attack full force. I haven’t been out of the house in days now spending my time surfing the net. I cannot focus on movies or a book right now either.

People worry about me but they shouldn’t. I’m used to being alone and they misinterpret it as lonely. So don’t worry about me, concentrate on your lives please.

Manic Monday

It’s a fabulous October Monday. It’s raining buckets out there and it’s in the 50’s, perfect weather for a walk to clear Chiflado’s mind. I’m still on auto-pilot but I did wind up at the post office so I checked my mail while I was there.

With all the loonies in downtown San Antonio, no one turned to look at a grown man walking in the rain in shorts and a polo shirt. Hey, I’ve seen tourists jogging in worse weather. My window’s open letting in cool northern air but don’t worry, Chiflado is invincible.

It’s times like this that I miss cawfee. I’d probably make two pots on a gorgeous day like today. Tea doesn’t do it for me neither does oatmeal. I woke up before the rain hit and I’m ready for a nap already. I'll wait until I dry off first.

Mortality

Like I said before, why bother? As soon as we’re born, we’re ready to die. I am just that much closer to the big finale. And with all the advances, AIDS patients are living longer than ever, like that’s a fun fact.

Yes look on the bright side, but there’s still the gloom and doom there no matter what. Believe me I’ve heard them all; the glass is half full, lemons, make lemonade, etc, etc.

And the one that gets me is, you’ve got so much to offer. Like what, cure cancer? Or I can always write my great American novel, but I’ve got so many ideas how does one decide on one over the other?

Death haunts me. It’s the next logical step. I’ve thought of suicide for way too many decades, but I don’t have the courage to do it. I’m a wuss. Counselors and other people say it’s the coward’s way out, but I’ve talked to other people in my boat and it does take a lot of courage to pull the trigger, jump off the ledge, etc.

I actually went on-line one day to see if I could buy cyanide but they only sell it in 55 gallon drums! Someone suggested I write for a sample, it should only take a dose right? Don’t worry dear readers, Chiflado will never take the plunge; he has no cojones to do the deed.

Oh, I love this, they say no people are dying from AIDS anymore, it’s heart disease, liver failure, some kind of cancer, or a number of other things. Like that’s comforting to know.

Well that’s my Sunday diatribe. Have a great week.